My hair is at the perfect length. I make to myself this promise. I will go out, dressed androgynously, and find a few attractive females to court. I'm tired of making excuses and having too much to do. The next weekend marks the beginning of my Thanksgiving break and there is absolutely no reason not to indulge myself in the pursuit of some enjoyable female company.
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I almost always loath menstruation. Everything about it is disgusting, annoying or painful. It hinders every daily activity in some way or another. However, it does lead to some unique opportunities that I would normally not have access to. Don't read the rest of this section if you don't like reading about other people's sexual escapades. I'll preface this by saying that I give terrible blow jobs because I have a tiny mouth, so those aren't an option. Instead, I sometimes find myself with a beautiful and extremely erotic young man exposing himself to me and having only my hands with which to satisfy him. As a gay man inside a woman's body, I find myself alarmingly excited by touching his ass and even more by the noises he makes when I do so. And I love to watch him jerk himself off. And I can't help myself but lick his nipples as well. It's probably my favorite situation, him writhing with pleasure as I touch all his most sensitive areas and watch him stroking himself at the same time, but I so rarely get to experience it since normal penetrative sex is what we are normally engage in. Man, gay guys get the hottest sex. I'm so jealous that I don't have a giant penis that I can penetrate him with instead of my finger. *sigh* At least I have nice breasts. That's my consolation I guess.
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I've come to an interesting conclusion from discussions with my best female friend and my husband yesterday. I don't understand one night stands. I could never feel attracted or comfortable enough with someone to have sex with them the first time I ever set eyes on them. What's more, if they share too much information with me during this first meeting I become even less attracted to them rather than moreso. I want first meetings to be an exchange of useless pleasantries, names, likes and dislikes in movies, favorite pastimes, etc. I have no interest in past relationships, mental problems, family concerns, health problems, strange fetishes, or anything like that when I first meet someone. As I've often mentioned, I fall deeply in love with all of my friends, but never with complete strangers. I can certainly be intrigued by you as I pass you on the sidewalk and perhaps I will even turn my head to watch you as you walk away for a moment, but does this mean that I want to know your deepest, darkest secrets during this chance encounter? Absolutely not. I want to get to know you in a casual and friendly manner, slowly building enough confidence in your sanity to share more of myself with you.
Perhaps this is why I've never met anyone I've gotten to know on the internet in person. Sorry, but no one's internet presence is enough of an indicator of actual personality to warrant any kind of real trust or association. Also, we are all so exposed here, sharing our thoughts and secrets with others. Every subscription violates the principles I desire from a first meeting. I know too much about you. You become an imaginary character, a crazed animal in a small cage of an internet window. Of course, I'm sure there are exceptions, people I could become wonderful friends with eventually, but most of us would probably find that the entries we've read of one another's have built up quite a hype and disappointment would ensue, disappointment stemming from the impersonal yet deeply intimate nature of internet communication.
But perhaps I'm being too harsh. Perhaps never contacting my internet acquaintances is a poor choice and I'm missing out on several wonderful friendships or even intimate relationships because of it. I suppose sometimes I'm intrigued by the notion, but I'm intrigued by almost everything in life, including abandoned chewing gum.
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I keep looking back and forth nervously. My skin is tingling. My head feels light. It's staring up at me like it always is mocking me, showing me what I haven't accomplished. I can't focus. The entire world is laughing at me and the torment is unbearable. I've failed myself so many times over the last few days, weeks, months. Everything constantly seems to be falling apart around me, as though I were standing at the top of a crumbling tower of stone. Each day the tower becomes a bit more rickety and I am left with the frightening realization that unless I can somehow rebuild the foundations from atop my perch I won't be standing much longer.
I haven't taken to the learning process in graduate school like I expected to. The end of every lecture period seems almost like a dream, as though I had suddenly and unexpectedly been pulled very far from a picture I had only been casually glancing at and then asked to remember even the most insignificant detail of the piece. I can't recall feeling like this previously. As an undergraduate, sometimes the course work was labor intensive, but it was never so...hard to grasp perhaps? Even more, I feel like I'm a tiny sponge swimming in a giant sea of information and that there is no possible way to experience and absorb it all. I try to console myself with factual information, like my taking five courses rather than four, or other students getting similarly dismal grades to my own, but nothing really calms me down. I don't particularly care if I'm doing about as well as everyone else. If doing well entails learning less that a quarter of the material completely and about fifty percent of it poorly, that just doesn't make sense to me. The only real comfort I have is that within the next year I will take the finals for the last courses I will ever have to take, but I am a person who hates to wish away life and consequently become frustrated by thoughts of, "Oh, how I wish it was May so I could be done with all of this and move on to my research," because it's really just an indication of my lack of motivation to truly learn anything. But perhaps I would be more excited if I didn't feel so drowned in information. I can't decide if this is all a function of the teaching style of research professors or if I have somehow changed in the last few months. Either way, I almost constantly feel inadequate.
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I ate 7/9 of a pan of brownies today. Why can't I stress eat vegetables? Consuming the four cups of quinoa tabouleh that are in the fridge would have been much better for me. Somehow I've been stuck in this rut at around 120 pounds. I vacillate between 124 and 116 depending on what disgusting or healthy habits I am practicing at the time. The stresses of graduate school often get the best of me, frightening me and causing me to eat as much as I can for no reason. Other times I am feeling empowered and excited about my life and I work out and eat only what my body needs to continue to build muscle and lose fat. Like any female that I've ever know, my happiness is often directly correlated with my weight and appearance. It's an awful trait, but unavoidable. Right now with all those delicious but horribly unhealthy brownies in my stomach I feel like I weight 300 pounds and everyone is going to see when I got to class tomorrow and think about what a fat ass I am and blah blah blah. I hate feeling like this. It's stupid and pointless because, of course, I only weigh 120 pounds and I look completely acceptable, but even though I just typed it and know it to be factual at the same time it sounds like rubbish and I can't believe it. It's a terrible paradox within my mind and I hate it.
What makes it even worse is that I went running with some other graduate students on Saturday morning and almost immediately got a stitch in my side. We were supposed to run SEVEN MILES together and I could barely make three. I was so embarrassed that I cried later when I was alone in the shower. Again, I know it to be factual that running three miles with a stitch in one's side is quite an accomplishment, but I can't believe that statement and end up kicking myself over and over for not finishing the run. This morning I woke up and worked out immediately to try and console myself...but then I ate a shitload of brownies while thinking of all the homework I have not yet completed and ruined any positive improvement in my mood that I had accomplished.
Why can't I just be happy? I hate myself so much right now. It's raining and dark and I just want to go run for miles and miles and miles and scream and cry and hide from everyone in the cloak of the night and stars. Forgive me.
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