November 13, 2009
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It's frustrating sometimes when I read my recent entries. They don't have the feeling and complete lack of sensibility that my older posts have. They don't have the fire and passion for my own thoughts and desires. I read them and they are basically just little stories about my life that someone could surmise just by observing me. That's not what I want this blog to be. I always intended it to be a place for my deepest thoughts and secrets, the things that would make people uncomfortable to hear me say out loud to them in polite conversations. I intended this blog to be about sex and desire and hopes and dreams and soft little sweetnesses that lay buried within my mind. I never intended to write an autobiography.
Being busy brings out that tendency in me. I have less time to sit and think and contemplate and explore my own mind and consequently I write the things that come more easily, the little stupid things like what silly party I went to or what homework I'm working on. But I won't care about that in 20 years. I'll want to read what I was thinking and feeling, all the fleeting moments of discord and elaborate sexual thoughts and revelry in understanding if only for a few seconds. Those are the things that I want to chronologically catalog. Those are the things I want to remember. Those are the things that make me more than a cold logical automaton.
I promise to get back to it. I promise to write like I used to. I promise to let everything out in all its glory! I promise myself more than anyone else.
Comments (5)
i was having that problem a while ago. sometimes stress makes me write really great things, but usually it just kills any inspiration i could have had. i think i'm working my way back into the swing of things =] I'm so relieved haha. I felt the same way when I couldn't write anything worth anything. "Who cares that I went home for the weekend, who cares that I have homework that I dont want to do" I wanted something I could re-feel when I looked back and read something a while later.
@butonthecontrary -
Exactly! I that's the perfect way to say it. I want to "re-feel" things and when I read about some stupid homework assignment or the NSF application I just feel really bored.
yeah, i feel ya. it's tough, i keep another diary, and i get that a lot recently, where i end up archiving events but not the ways i was feeling, and it bothers me. writing takes a lot of process to craft IMO, unless you're one of the people who it comes naturally to.
As I've gotten older, I think my blog posts have changed in that way too. I used to blog more for me...now I blog for the people reading it so they can stay updated on the goings on of my life. I don't know why that changed, but I think it has something to do with aging and how emotions change as that occurs.
In the teens/early 20s, emotions are considerably deeper and faster and harder (wow that sounds dirty), and everything is about a million times more intense than it is later in life. Most of that is hormones, chemicals trying to find balance, brain development...but as you get older, your feelings mellow down. So, you stop writing so much about the awesome sex and start writing more about your weekend.
I dunno. I guess I'm not really afraid of falling into the comfortable mediocrity most people fall into. I think a lot of people want to fight that. I embrace it.
On a ligter note, I will be leaving for your abode in an hour or two!
@mreechan -
Well, it's not that I don't have those feelings anymore or that there isn't still absolutely amazing sex. It's just that by the time I get a chance to sit down and write about it the feelings have passed because it's days later. I'm just so busy! I don't want that fire and passion for life to ever go out, regardless of my hormones or my age, because once it does...well...what am I really living for? True, my passions have shifted from video games and banging chicks to keytars, martial arts, board games, running a marathon in May and learning Mandarin, but I'm still just as passionate about them. And research, without passion and drive, is a hollow waste of time.
I just have to get those feelings down on paper before they tumble away in the wake of other thoughts and stresses.
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