November 21, 2009
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I don't even know how to feel right now. I'm reasonably confused about a lot of things and I haven't been able to focus for the last week. I remember thinking at one point that if I was going to be sick, the least I could do was throw up so that I would be skinnier when the sickness passed. What a horrible thought, but I was the one who thought it so I can't really defend myself. It makes me nervous when things like that can appear in my head. I don't want to have the capability to think that way.
In some ways I hate breaks. I hate being given something that by no means lives up to its name. A break in college never really is a true "break" in the way that I think of them. It is an opportunity for your professors to give large assignments and then make the assumption that instead of enjoying your break you really wanted to work feverishly to complete said assignments. It's frustrating. Honestly I would rather skip Thanksgiving as a holiday and end the semester a week sooner. At least then I would understand my responsibilities, when they start, when they end, and when I can finally relax, because really a break during which I have to work is just an unnecessary extension of stressful activity for which I was not initially prepared. And that is utter bullshit.
I'm feeling really angry this evening. Maybe it stems from eating way too much today or having to throw out food or accomplishing nothing or talking to the biggest whiner in existence because I can't tear myself away from him. Maybe it's all that combined. I don't know. I keep telling myself that tomorrow will be the start to the rest of my life, but it never really is. In fact, some days I feel like I'm just wasting my life fruitlessly and it's completely devoid of meaning. I feel like that a lot, actually. All the keytars and breakdancing and exciting parties in the world couldn't really keep me from feeling like that.
But every so often, when I see his face and he smiles at me...well, I remember why I didn't kill myself back in undergrad.
Comments (1)
Aw, Katie...I wish your entries lately were happier. I don't know what to say, except that sometimes I know how you feel. Sometimes I just feel like I'm swimming in circles because I can't decide which island to go to, or I can't see any islands at all. But I think it gets better--at least, it gets better for a while. I have yet to get it to go away completely, but sometimes when I'm trying to change this or that to fix it, I manage to change the right thing. Hopefully you can, too.
Have you thought about going to therapy? I went last spring and it helped me tremendously, even if it mostly just validated the feelings I was having. It might be something to consider.
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