December 4, 2009
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My personality, my thoughts, my feelings, they are all slowly draining away from me. Perhaps they are more like sand slipping through my fingers as I try desperately not to let any more escape my fragile grip. Everything seems so muted and lackluster. The world is slowly losing its color and vibrancy and I'm frightened. It's been so long since I actually felt like myself and I'm wondering if perhaps the problem is that I'm not myself anymore, but instead have evolved into someone else while I wasn't paying attention. Nothing really holds my interest, not even keeping this blog up to date. Practicing the keytar, breakdancing, aikido, all these things were designed to bring be back into the beautiful world I remember, but they just end up being needless burdens that I can feel bad about not having enough time for later. Am I becoming a shadow of a real person, nothing more than an empty shell with all the physical functionality of a human being but none of the mental creativity that I used to possess?
Every day for three and a half years I've felt this way, with slight dips up and down, but never any real improvement. I think perhaps the only thing that really kept me from killing myself a long time ago was fear. I'm afraid of death, but at the same time I think about it a lot. I imagine how the people that know me would be effected and their pain would be so much greater than my own that I can't bring myself to end my own life. I don't talk about this with anyone ever other than mentions of it on my blog, probably because I feel so foolish. How could anyone understand this horrible, creeping feeling deep within my chest when my life is so seemingly perfect? I tell myself that. I repeat it over and over.
"You are loved. You are healthy. You have enough money to live. You are intelligent. You got into graduate school. You aren't horribly ugly. Your life is well planned. You are safe and warm and you should be happy. You should be happy. You should be happy. You should be happy. You should be happy."
But I'm not happy. I haven't been happy. If one could perhaps imagine my satisfaction with life as a large sphere, only a very small portion of the center would be filled up by the caring of others, with the rest of the sphere containing a blend of passive disappointment and loathing of myself. It's funny, when I was in middle school and everyone thought I was a fat weirdo...I was ironically a lot happier. I would say only the outer layer of the sphere was corroded by sadness at that point while the inside was made up of my enjoyment for life and egotistically love of my own personality. Slowly, as time passed and more things that SHOULD have made me happier came into my life, the positive part of the sphere grew smaller and smaller until now, when I'm basically dangling from a tiny thread above a giant pit of utter despair.
What has happened? Why do I feel this way? I mask it daily, smiling and laughing and spending time with others when really all I want to do is sit in a corner all alone and die. I don't think I've ever said this. Maybe I'm not as completely honest as I always boast to be, but things are painful to talk about. When your life is undercut by a constant hatred for yourself, why would you talk about it? Who would even want to talk about it with you? I always thought that one experienced identity crisis problems as a teenager, defining one's personality and sense of self, and by the time one got to college all that should be done with and one would be basically a version of their "final" self, if that makes any sense. Well, not me. I'm losing myself, little by little, and I don't know how to stop it. I'm so afraid that eventually there will be nothing left and I'll lose all sense of who I am and who I want to be.
I don't know what to do. I should be happy. I should be happy. I should be happy.
Comments (10)
I don't say it either, ever, not even in my blog, but I know how you feel. I fight it, and now I've managed to get to the point where I only feel that way one week out of every month, but I do know how you feel. I wish I knew how I could help you, but in order to do that, I'd have to figure out how to help myself.
I don't really know what to say that would make it better. I'm sorry.
@mreechan -
You say one week a month? Is it related to your period? Because I have a sneaking suspicion that my depression relates directly to starting birth control. But we shall soon see how that pans out since I'll be off it for good in the next few days.
@mreechan -
Also we should all live in the same place because I miss you. <3
@happytimeskatie - It is 100% related to my period. When I was on birth control I was depressed more often, but it is hard for me to tell if it was because of the birth control or because of things going on in my life at the time. Now that I have the non-hormonal IUD, it's just the week of my period--a couple of days before I start and a couple of days into it. Other than that I am usually hunky-dory.
And yes, we should live in the same place. I am leaving it to you to get to work on that.
hm, though i don't put much stock in the idea that if you change your self-talk you change yourself, i think it's more complicated than that, i think also saying what one should do is not necessarily good for one's self-esteem and stress levels. i know when i have a list of things i 'should' do, it feels that much more worse when i don't meet my own list of seemingly reasonable expectations. so to start, saying you should be one way or another can become counterproductive and you should be cautious of that.
i'm also afraid of death-i cried and got really fucked up when i turned 18, did less crying when i turned 19 but will probably also cry when i turn 20. ha ha.
anywho, to go on, i think many people seem to have their shit together but they don't. so you're not alone. regardless, if something is troubling you, i don't think you should hide it. because withdrawing in any way ends up creating feelings of isolation and a lack of dependence on social support and all these other shitty things that make you feel worse. social support is one of the most important things you can get from other people in dealing with a mental health issue IMO. i know when i have moments where i just want to drink and kind of contract into a lump on the bed and not go out, that sometimes ends up being less productive then i think it will be.
finally, i can say that the process of developing an identity and even an incomplete understanding of oneself is not a process that just ends somewhere. over the past week, i've gotten to hang out with my 30 some year old grad student instructor, this 50 year old friend, my 19 year old friends more my own age, my 20 some year old friends who are seniors/recently graduated...and i've realized that the older you get, it doesn't get easier to define yourself, be true to yourself, etc.
so i think the important thing is to not try to find tangible outcomes or results and also at least question how you define a developed identity. that is, why is it important to have a cohesive identity? what is an identity crisis?
don't beat yourself up though over not reaching whatever goals you have for yourself. i do that a lot, and it's just not that productive. good luck with everything--it's really hard.
here's a stupid virtual ice cream come that's really endearing that might make you feel slightly better?
@Vericuester1 -
I've always prided myself on telling everyone everything, but lately I've just kept to myself about how utterly troubled I am about my own existence and perhaps you are right, perhaps more people than I think would actually relate to the way I feel. I should probably tell my husband but I don't want him to blame himself, the precious thing, because he often does this when my mood isn't 100% wonderful.
Regardless, as much as I want to simply be alone and never talk to anyone again I am resisting the urge because I know deep down that it is an absolutely horrid idea. Honestly I should probably try counseling, but I become so afraid that they will say something like, "This is the worst case I've ever seen." or, "There's nothing I can do to help you." and I end up chickening out on the plan. Also, aren't they forced to tell people if you are thinking of suicide? I don't want my friends and family to worry.
In summary, don't worry about me. I'll get it figured out. It's just that I'm not very good at it, but at least in the meantime I won't be killing myself because I'm far too conscious of other people's pain.
@happytimeskatie -
hm, you should try the counseling center at least. i'm not sure if you as a graduate student also have to have insurance to attend the university, but they'll at least listen to you. i've been there before and i had a really nice woman help me with my issues. i know the student insurance plan only covers 8 sessions/semester. but i've been thinking of going there myself, because everything is getting overwhelming. though i think more regular counseling will be more beneficial, i'm not sure yet, ha ha.
and no, i'm pretty sure they won't unless you pose an IMMEDIATE threat to yourself/others. i've called a hospital on behalf of a friend and despite showing signs of previous and future suicidality and really obvious emotional instability, they wouldn't do shit because she wasn't an immediate threat. it was very disempowering and frustrating, but that's another story.
but anyway, you don't have to tell them or anyone else anything you don't want to. and i worry or at least am concerned about everyone essentially so concern about anyone is inevitable.
also, it's understandable to want to figure it out yourself, but don't put too much on yourself for it. IMO, depression and a lot of mental health issues go undiagnosed -because- of the attitude that it's an individual problem. it's far more complex than that, people don't become depressed in a vacuum. and i think it's important to try to seek out support before you run out of resources to sustain yourself emotionally. that can be pretty miserable in my experience.
also, the counseling center makes appointments basically within 24-48 hours, i think. but i'm not sure if they're open on the weekend. but just talking to a professional and someone removed from your immediate problems is helpful sometimes in my experience. and if you don't have insurance, i'm sure there are other resources that i can find too.
@Vericuester1 -
I have student insurance, so I'm sure it would be free. I might ask about it when I go in for my girl appointment later this month.
And thank you for your concern.
Like I said in my post, the fact that people care is really the reason I've not completely lost myself.
@happytimeskatie -
oh sweet, that's good. i'm glad you have insurance, that makes things easier.
and you should ask for it ASAP IMO. just because though mental health is different from physical health, i think it's just as important to do prevention with mental health. that is, prevent a crisis before it happens. i'm trying to do the same for myself.
and you're welcome! like i said, just hit me up any time. i feel the same way, if i were completely socially isolated, i'd probably be lying in some gutter, out of my mind somewhere. ha ha.
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