December 20, 2009

• I've been quiet lately.  I've been waiting and wondering how things would change after I took my last pill.  In the past whenever I've felt depressed I've always said, "After [insert stressful situation here] is over, I'll feel better.  This sadness is just a product of me worrying," and I've always been wrong.  I've always been left waiting and wondering, waiting and wondering, hoping that control over my emotional state would eventually return to the realm of predictable situations instead of wild flights of reasonless depression and self loathing.  I've been hoping that my joyful obsession with myself and how awesome I am would eventually return, because being extremely narcissistic was always good for my self esteem back in high school.  Being able to say to myself, "It's okay that [insert stressful situation here] happened because you are awesome and you know it," was always such a welcome relief and I've really been missing out on it lately.

  I never expected birth control to make any difference.  I always used it as an excuse inside my head, telling myself that those extra hormones were the problem and not my life.  I never really believed it, but it helped me get through rough times by giving me the ability to blame something other than myself for my problems.  I never expected to be truly happy ever again, after nearly four years of trying to figure out how to bring back those wonderful feelings.  I never expected to be right.

  It's been two weeks since I've been off the birth control.  It's been a five days since the last day of my period.  I haven't wished for death since Wednesday, even though all my finals were on Thursday and Friday.  Another strange thing is that I've had vivid dreams the last few nights, dreams like I used to have before I got on birth control, dreams that I actually wanted to write down because they could have been made into feature length movies.  Additionally, I was actually EXCITED for sex instead of just having it because I knew I used to be excited about it.  I don't feel destroyed when I look at the scale and it says 120 pounds.  I wouldn't say I feel exactly like I did freshman year of undergrad, but I could see myself getting there in a few more weeks.  And after having soooo many people tell me that I was just depressed from the stress of college EVEN THOUGH I WAS HAPPIER THAN I HAD EVER BEEN IN MY LIFE just before getting on birth control, it feels really good to be given back the faith in my own knowledge of my body and life.  Thinking back on it, OF COURSE it must have been at least partially related to birth control!  All those extra hormones basically making my body think I was pregnant for the past four years?  How could that not affect me emotionally?  Fuck doctors and psychologists that don't fucking listen when you tell them what's wrong.  If I'd known it was as simple as using a condom instead I would have instantly stopped taking the birth control.  INSTANTLY.

  Speaking of which, using condoms again makes me feel really silly, but it's also kind of exciting.  It brings back memories of our first experiences together when we were first dating.  It's a wonderful feeling, even if I do relate condoms to being young and inexperienced.  It brings a strange anticipation into foreplay where we have to control ourselves until the condom is on.  It's really kind of fun actually.  Maybe that's just the old me coming back to the forefront of my personality.  Regardless, good times.

  • 8:53 pm
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