Let me preface this entry by saying that I'm very sorry for the extreme delay in posting all these things. All I can say in my defense is that I can be a pretty lazy bastard sometimes. The following concepts will be listed in order of importance from least to greatest and not in chronological order because it's easier for me, what with so much stuff to post about.
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Everything in my life, working toward my PhD, trying to learn Mandarin and how to play the keytar, working hard to maintain my health and physical fitness, everything, has basically been to keep me busy until I felt I was ready to have children. And now I am. I'm no longer on birth control and at this very moment I could be pregnant. It's strange to say, but having sex for the biological purpose of procreation is so much more satisfying than having sex for fun and pleasure. There is no worrying about whether or not one is pregnant, because one wants to be pregnant. There is no regret, because one intentionally engages in the act with a set purpose that cannot be achieved in any other fashion. It's really liberating, honestly. It's probably the most satisfying experience I've ever had.
But pregnancy brings about many other concerns. Am I eating right? Am I healthy enough? How hard and how much can I work out and not risk a miscarriage? Will my baby be healthy? Will working in a biological laboratory effect my unborn baby adversely? If the fetus is diagnosed with a physical or mental ailment will I be able to abort? Will I have a natural birth or will they have to operate? Will my stomach bounce back or will I be left with huge stretch marks? Will my vagina become a gaping chasm that echos if you talk into it? All these things, even the more trivial ones, are concerns of mine. And I was experiencing pain in my right ovary a few days ago. I spent nearly 6 hours straight crying and sobbing and blowing my nose and then crying even harder because I thought I might have ovarian cancer and they might have to remove all my reproductive organs. Being able to birth children and survive to raise them is not something I take lightly. Thankfully, when I went to the doctor it turned out that everything is completely normal except that I have an inverted uterus (probably the reason I like doggy style best) and the pain was probably cause by me ovulating for the first time in a little over 4 years. And as for birth defects, working in a biological lab is actually much safer than working in a lab where heavy metals are used. I mean, the same things that destroy biological experiments are the things that I have to avoid, so the lab is actually pretty safe save for a few key situations that I can avoid with proper protective equipment. Plus, I have married a man with my same views on raising a mentally impaired child, that being that we would rather abort and save our energy for a child with at least average mental capacity. I can deal with almost any physical ailment, but to have a child who can't understand the world around them, or who cannot interact with other humans...it would destroy me considering I value intelligence and understanding above everything other than furthering my genetic material into the next generation. I honestly don't think I am a strong enough person to love a child like that.
Anyway, let's not talk about that anymore. My ovaries are normal and functioning and I will leave it at that. My husband and I have been mulling over what we will name a child and it's proving more difficult that I originally thought it would be. I think the problem is that every time we both agree on a name, there is always "that one guy that one time" or "that stupid bitch in high school" who shares the name and who ruins it for us. We've settled on only two names: Faye Anna for a girl and David Michael for a boy. Hopefully I don't happen to have twins of the same sex because we would be fucked for the second name. Or triplets! Fuck.
One thing that's kind of sad about being pregnant is that I've already been told I can no longer breakdance or play DDR. There's no way around it. The two activities are just too dangerous and shock involved for a pregnant woman to engage in them. A small price to pay, but a price nonetheless.
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I passed the qualifying exam! I am now a PhD candidate! Now if I flunk out I can say that I was a PhD student at least for a little while. And I've started my research. I was actually sitting at my little desk today, shuffling papers and pretending to read things while I was, in fact, eavesdropping on other people's conversations. I really like the common office space for my group because there is always someone around to talk to and make you feel less lonely and isolated as you stare down at complicated diagrams of DNA structures and protein functions. Most people are very friendly and those who aren't are just shy, not rude. It's nice. I guess it's something I've always dreamed of and never fully realized how much I wanted it until I had it. I'm a PhD student!! I'm a PhD student! I have laboratory space and I know where to order petri dishes and I have a lab coat and people greet me as an equal. I think that is the best part. People in graduate school really listen to you. I think perhaps it's because all the students already knows that everyone around, including themselves, is basically part of the cream of the crop in terms of intelligence. Maybe PhD students aren't the highest paid people and maybe they aren't on the same level in terms of leadership as, say, the CEO of a major company, but everyone knows something and everyone is willing to share it with you if you are willing to listen. It's almost this mutual unspoken agreement that if you have something to say then I have the time to listen to it. It's kind of a hard thing to convey without someone actually experiencing it because it's more than that. It's just...I don't know...like the force, it's all around you and you can tap into it if you have the right receptors inside you. But it's gentler than the force. It's for communication, not physical violence. It's like the ABC Family version of the force. Now I'm definitely just rambling.
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I put an ad out on craigslist and actually got a legitimate response for the first time ever. Two of the three responses were from women in their late 30s who couldn't possibly have anything in common with me other than that they would like to touch a hawt young female body. The legitimate one was a very attractive 22-year-old Asian veterinary student. We met for lunch and I enjoyed the encounter, but I could tell that she wasn't really interested in what I was. Not only did she mention that she thought married women dating was weird (without knowing I was married), but there was just this general feeling of restlessness with her. I don't think she is really looking for a serious relationship right now and being faced with the option of being tied down to one person must have hit her while we were talking. I of course told her after the meal that I was married in an e-mail because I didn't want to hide it from her, nor did I want her to get uncomfortable in a restaurant. She responded with the exact thing I had gotten from the encounter; that she wasn't even really sure what she was looking for or if she would even recognize it. I told her she should just focus on having fun for now and not worry about it. Without a doubt I was disappointed, but at least she was my age and attractive, unlike a lot of the women who seem to prowl about on craigslist. I see this as a positive sign and I'll have to put up another ad soon, this time with age requirements and the inclusion of my marital status to avoid any future confusion. I told my husband that once we get into our 30s we will have the pick of the fucking litter. He responded by saying that regardless of generation, single 30ish women are insane and that's why they are single. He has a point.
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I hate L4D2, not because of the game itself, the controls, the graphics or anything like that, but because of my husband's reactions to playing it and desire to turn the volume way, way up. Now, I'm not saying I hate the noises games make. I personally require noise while playing a game for it to really be fun. My mom used to say about Final Fantasy games when I played them back in high school, "Can't you just turn off the sound? You read everything anyway!" Well, sure you do, but the game designers put the noises in for a reason and that reason is to engage you, to immerse you. If I can hear my mom shouting for me to wash the dishes, well, I'm not really immersed, am I? But, and this is an important and specific but, 1) I am afraid of zombies, 2) I hate unnecessarily (not all) loud noises, and 3) there is one fucking gun in that game that makes a sound that, to my ears, is like some kind of fingernails being shot at a chalkboard. I think it is the "silenced" machine gun with something zip tied to it. I can't remember the name. Anyway, if the sound is playing I'm probably annoyed, and he plays it late at night when I'm about to go to bed. Since I'm both a small child inside and afraid of zombies, I end up having horrible nightmares about everyone I've ever loved being killed in horrible ways during the zombie apocalypse.
So, sometimes I can convince him to listen to the game with his headphones on, but then come his reactions to the game. When he plays with other people, 9 out of every 10 of them is a COMPLETE FUCKING ASSHOLE! FUCK WHAT ARE YOU DOING!! YOU FUCKING SUCK AS THE CHARGER!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??!!! HOW COULD YOU MISS THAT SMOKE?! Okay save me, save me, SAVE ME! SAVE ME!! OH, NOW I'M DEAD YOU FUCKING IDIOTS! YOU SUCK AT THIS GAME!!! OH KICK ME? I'M GOING TO QUIT! HAHA TOO FUCKING BAD! So, really, the problem is not solved when the headphones are on, and in fact it's more frightening because he isn't shouting the entire time he's playing, but in intervals that last a few minutes intermixed between dead silence, so not only is it emotionally taxing to hear my husband so angry, but it scares me each time he starts on one of his rants.
In summary, people like my husband should not play L4D2 or really any competitive FPS game. That doesn't make the game bad, or even him bad. It's just not a compatible pairing. Thankfully, recently, I told him how much I hate when he plays it and he sheepishly apologized and hasn't played since, admitting that the game frustrates him so much that it isn't really fun anymore. Thank fucking God.
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My research professor is the cutest fucking thing ever! I swear he could be Clinton Kelley's body double. He's always so well dressed and he's got this little nervous cuteness about him, like a puppy that hasn't really gotten used to you yet, but let's you pet it anyway just because it is too nervous even to run away. I'm glad he's gay because it makes me feel better about being attracted to him. I think I would be pretty uncomfortable if he was straight and I was constantly checking him out. Last week he came to class in these perfectly tailored tweed slacks with a white button down shirt and a black sweater vest and everything fit him so well that he could have been a manikin in a classy men's clothing store. A classmate and I looked at each other and discussed how cute he was and I felt like I was in middle school ogling a boy as he walked down the hall. And after we were done talk at almost exactly the same time we both said, "...but I would never say that to him because it would be totally inappropriate." At least we are both on the same page.
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There, I think that mostly covers it. I'll try and get back to updating more frequently. <3
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