February 10, 2010

• I feel like I could catch things on fire just by looking at them today.  I'm so frustrated and I can't even really pin down why.  I guess it could be a lot of things.

  Today is the ninth day of my period.  Yes, that's right.  The NINTH day.  I can't take it anymore.  If it isn't over today I'll have to do laundry specifically because I'm running out of granny panties in which to insert pads.  My doctor said that if my periods were longer than eight days that there is a possibility that I have fertility problems related to something called endometriosis.  My last period was eight days and I was hoping that it was just long because it was the first one since I've been off of birth control, but that obviously wasn't the case since this one is even longer!  I just want my body to be functioning normally.  I want to produce children before my DNA is mutated too much from working with chemicals for several hours every day.

  But do I really want children?  I mean, of course I do.  I want to produce viable offspring more than anything in this world, but with my husband so obsessed about how much he hates his job and wants to quit it and blah blah blah...well...maybe HE isn't ready for children.  I understand that his job is boring and he isn't really being challenged, but he keeps telling me that it stresses him out.  Let me rephrase that, a job where he almost never has to physically interact with a human or do anything other than simply sort things and send them where they need to go is stressing him out.  Well, then what the fuck wouldn't stress him out?!  That's as simplistic as you can get!  And he says we can look for another job for him, but whenever I suggest we work on it he says that stresses him out, too!  Sometimes I just want to slap him and tell him to grow some fucking balls.  We need his income to support a child.  I don't make enough as a graduate student for us to maintain our current lifestyle with the additional stress of childcare.  Yet with this fact looming in front of him all he can think about is how much he would rather just sit at home and do nothing all day.  If that is the case then there are two options:  1) deal with your easy fucking job and help to acquire the necessary funds to have and subsequently raise a child or 2) quit your job, sit around in your underpants playing video games and forget about having a child until your hard working wife finishes her PhD and can support an entire family on only her income. 

  Right now I'm really REALLY leaning toward the second option because all I hear about when I see him is how much he hates his job and he's a complete asshole sometimes with the excuse that he's stressed out.  For example, I put a plastic food container on his desk today and he threw it on the floor because he couldn't wait the two seconds it would have taken me to remove my boots and pick it up so I wouldn't track snow through the apartment.  If he can get mad about something so retarded because his job is "stressing him out" then he can just fucking quit it and be a loser for the rest of his life as long as he is gentle and kind.  However, in that case I will be the one making the monetary decisions in our lives, like when we have enough money to have a baby or buy a house or upgrade his computer or even eat out and he can SUCK MY GIANT FUCKING DICK. 

  There, I said it.  Fuck him.  I don't need his attitude right now.   He keeps talking about how he would rather be happy than rich and I totally agree, but I would not be happy if I was trying to raise a child and focus on my research and everything else that I have to do when I didn't even have enough money for the necessities.  That is not happiness to me.  And maybe he thinks somehow raising a child will be easier than his job or something.  Trust me, nothing could be easier than his job.  Or maybe he thinks I'm making it up that we are spending more than my paycheck each month and that we would not be "just fine" living on my income.  He's too incompetent to help me with anything financial anyway.  I pay all the bills and keep track of all our financial accounts and when I try and show him how much we spend he just waves me away and keeps reading his stupid Diablo 3 forums.  I basically already have a child at this point.  I just don't know what's going through his head right now and I don't really care to find out because I've got a lot of other things to worry about.  And it's not that I don't love him.  I do.  He just makes it really hard to like him sometimes if that makes any sense.

  I just want to focus on my research.  I really want to dig in and understand things and immerse myself in my project and get published and complete my PhD to the best of my abilities.  And I can't do that if I have to worry about money.  I hate money.  I hate it so much.  Unlike money, a child would be a welcome burden.  Though it would be stressful and sometimes I would worry, the stress is part of the process.  As the child grows up there will be many hard times, but the end result so greatly outweighs the negative aspects that I would have no problem rushing home to rock to sleep or feed or even just spend a bit of time with him/her.  But money is not that way.  There is no required stress.  If you can make enough money to not have to worry about it, then why would you choose to be stressed instead?  This is my dilemma and why I am so angry with my husband.  He seems incapable of grasping the concept that his want to quit his job stresses me out.

  I should stop ranting.  I just had a lot to get off my chest.  I'll probably regret writing this tomorrow, but as with all entries I will never delete it because it represents a snapshot of my thoughts in time.  Things so transient as this are often hard to capture, so to destroy them would be such a crime.

  • 9:16 pm
  • 2 Comments