February 12, 2010
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You know what always snaps me back into reality from one of my overly emotional escapades in hating myself and my life? Sex does. And not just any sex, but sex with someone I deeply care about even if he can be short sighted sometimes. Frustratingly long periods have adverse effects other than merely being inconvenient and uncomfortable. I'm probably some kind of low level sex addict considering I become extremely ill tempered should I go without sex for more than a week. I can say that in no instance have I ever felt worse after sex with my husband. I wonder for how many people that ISN'T true.
Anyway, I'm feeling a lot better. I think additionally spending more time in my office and working in the lab has made me realize that I'm part of something amazing, something that could change the world. And really, as long as I am changing the world either by research or by raising a child I guess most other things really don't matter that much. I'm thankful that I didn't tell my husband how I was feeling other than to suggest that he was stressing me out because that's really all it was. Seeing him and looking at him and knowing that having sex with him on my period would be super gross was just making me really angry. I don't really think it can be labeled as his fault because he didn't do anything but be absolutely beautiful. And when I am angry I can dredge up things that I normally wouldn't give a second thought and blow them out of portion, like we all can from time to time.
It's funny that if you ask anyone who sees me on a day to day basis they would probably say I am a really happy person, yet if you ask someone who reads my blog they would realize that I'm an emotional wreck who can't understand her own thoughts from time to time. I wish we were all mind readers. That would make the world much simpler I think.
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I'm going to start writing letters back and forth with my grandmother. I'm excited about it because I love getting letters in the mail, but also because I know it will make her extremely happy. She looks up to me in a strange way that I've never experienced before in that she wishes she had been born into the world I was. I think she believes that her upbringing and the world around her shaped her into something "bad" or "wrong" as a child and she can see that the way things are today is so drastically different that she could have been something so much more amazing.I think it is directly related to my previous post, except that she doesn't look back on choices she made but rather her very existence and wish things had gone differently. I've jokingly said that I should have been born in the 50s so that I could have properly enjoyed disco in its prime, and of course I wonder what amazing things will be invented after I am nothing more than a memory to my descendants, but I would never punish myself for being born "too early" because I had no control over it. I think she punishes herself. She wishes her siblings hadn't died of diseases which can now be cured. She wishes her abilities in mathematics and science weren't suppressed and ignored while she was growing up. She wishes she could have gone to college instead of becoming a housewife. She wishes a lot of things. But maybe I'll be the same way eventually. Maybe it's human nature to constantly believe the grass is greener in another existence.
Comments (1)
Mhmm I definitely think that people romanticize the 50s more than they should be.
I think, to an extent, I used to be somewhat like your grandmother. I've held in many regrets and wished I could have done this or that. I used to imagine myself as someone different, to escape the regrets. I think I've stopped holding regrets, but I like to imagine myself as a different person. Just for fun now, of course.
I think your writing is lovely as well.
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