February 18, 2010

• So I guess I had a mini nervous breakdown last night.  To summarize the ordeal, I don't think I'm prepared to be a mother yet. 

  I may currently be pregnant and in that case I'm sure I will be able to deal with the situation as necessary, have the child and raise it just as I hope to do someday.  However, if there isn't a baby inside my belly yet I would like to avoid it at this time.  I guess I just realized that all this talk about babies and houses and my husband's job and all that "grown up" stuff has really been getting to me.  I'm tired of worrying about a lot of unnecessary stuff on top of the necessary things I already have to worry about, like rent and electric and health insurance and all that.  I'm not prepared to start my research with the additional burden of wondering when (not if) Mike is going to quit his job, if we will have enough money for payments on a home or how we will raise a child when we both need to work/one of us isn't working and we don't have enough money.  It's just a lot to think about right now and I would much prefer the freedom to focus on my research, work hard to save some money, learn how to breakdance, play DDR and eventually find a really great job at which point my husband is free to bum around the house and we can start making babies.

  I explained all this to him last night and I don't think I could have done a fantastic job of it what with the words being broken up by sobs of desperation and sessions of intense nose honking into at least 30 tissues.  I woke up this morning and looked into the trash can at the small heap of wadded up tissues and just sighed to myself.  I hate crying and I do it all the time.  I'm far too emotional and whether I am talking about something wonderful or something terrible I burst into ridiculous crying bouts followed by headaches from the pressure on my sinuses and stomach aches from the snot draining down my esophagus.  I really hate crying.  Plus whenever you explain something while you are bawling your eyes out no one takes you seriously or they focus on the emotion rather than the words behind it.  Anyway, he kept telling me that we would talk about it tomorrow when I was "feeling better," but that's not really what I wanted to do.  I wanted to tell him how I was feeling.  I think maybe he just really wanted me to change my mind.  I know he wants children just as much as I do, but he's so short sighted.  Yes, it would be wonderful to have a child of my own in my arms staring up at me and yes, I absolutely want to have a reasonable number of children so I need to begin having them relatively soon, but I'm not going to let my desire cloud my judgment.  I just don't want to raise a child while I'm dirt poor living in an apartment with barely enough time on my hands to even sleep because of my research.  Why make it hard on ourselves when waiting just a few more years will make it so much easier?  Really, if he wasn't so flaky about his job right now I would feel a lot better about trying for children, but until he finds a job where he isn't going to just up and quit because he thinks we have enough money, well...I'm not so interesting in baby making.

  That's what I was trying to tell him last night.  Hopefully I can try again today without crying and he'll actually listen.
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  In other news, Mass Effect is an awesome game and you should play it if you haven't yet.

  • 5:01 pm
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