March 11, 2010
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I feel very lucky for having direction in my life, or perhaps I just have a wanton commitment to the path I am following combined with an easily satisfied thirst for productivity. I'm the kind of person who simply chooses a direction and starts walking, and even if the path gets really hard it doesn't really phase me. I've committed to it and have no desire to wonder about what things could have been like given different life choices.
My point is that I don't think my husband is that way. I suppose it is lucky that he sees me as perfect for him, because if he didn't I can tell that he would never had married or even dated me. He speaks a lot about being satisfied with what he has and all that, but when you really get down to it he is a perfection seeker. He wants his dream job and he wants it immediately. There is no waiting or working toward it or suffering through something less enjoyable for satisfaction later on. He wants to be a video game designer this instant. And although he has never said any of this out loud, I can tell in his mind that is what he is thinking. There are no options that are just "alright" or "good enough" for him. It's either amazing or he hates it. I can see where that mindset could be viewed as valid, but it does make life a lot more difficult. I've been trying to find something, ANYTHING, that would hold up to his standards for things that would be acceptable as careers. I've been suffering through his tantrums and bad attitudes about everything. But I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I've come across something amazing.
I'm not going to state explicitly what it is on this public blog, but for the first time his eyes lit up and he got excited. All I will say is that I came up with an idea for a small business that he is more than willing to own and work at 60 hours a week. Over and over I've sent him e-mails with links to jobs, commented on websites and tried my best to intrigue him with possibilities. Nothing worked until now, not working for Google, not the supercomputer on campus, not even being a cashier at Gamestop. He would nonchalantly suggest that he would look at it later and then get back to playing whatever video game he was involved in at that moment. But this time he actually turned off his 360 and immediately went to the website. I mean, we can't open it tomorrow and there is a lot to do, like apply for the franchise and find suitable locations and apply for small business loans and all that, but for the first time all the effort that he will have to put in doesn't phase him. And he said something remarkable, something I had been hoping was lurking somewhere inside him and just seemed to be absent:
"If we do this then the reward will be directly correlated to how hard I work for it."
He understands. He isn't just a lazy piece of shit. He's just a really picky person when it comes to what occupies his time, but deep down he has the same hardworking spirit that I admire in myself. It just isn't being stimulated at his current job and that's why he's so frustrated and grumpy. There has already been a change in his demeanor! Yesterday I asked him how his day at work was, expecting him to say something about how it was boring as usual and someone yelled at him for some random reason. Instead he said:
"It was...okay. It was better than usual. I have something to look forward to now."
And then he just smiled. He smiled and patted me on the leg as he was driving me home from the lab. I almost cried. I'd been hoping to hear that for so long, but in a slightly different context. Since then he's been less angsty and more loving. We had sex for the first time in several weeks yesterday. I just wish I had thought of this sooner.
Now I can only hope that everything works out. The main thing is that everything will take time, time that he will have to spend working his current job until the business is set up and ready to open. I hope he can make it through, but I believe he can now that he has something exciting to focus on.
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