The cocktail party on Saturday was so much fun!  The guy who was mixing the cocktails was really good at it and with drinks like "The Incredible Hulk's Incredible Urine" and "Dr. Nik's Blue Oyster" how could they not be fantastic?  I got quite drunk, but only because I had my husband there to be my designated driver and watch over my drunken antics.  We danced, played charades, danced some more, did the limbo across the room, got the cops called on us, settled down to played pictionary, did some improv and ended the evening finding homes for all the guys who had too much to drink.  All in all, best party ever.  Like I said, I really love my class and the way we all just magically get along is almost unfathomable but it makes me really happy.  I feel so lucky to have met all of them!

Earlier on Saturday I studied for an exam that's in a few hours.  I also joined a study group on Sunday evening to prepare for it.  I really hope I do well on it because the last exam in the class resulted in a 65%.  If I do poorly though it won't be because I didn't try to learn the material and put in the time to work through all the sample problems, so I guess I can't feel too bad.  Plus everyone says that professors don't give below a B in graduate courses, so hopefully they aren't just saying that to make me feel better.  I just really want to do well to prove to myself that I can.  I know it shouldn't matter at this stage of life but it matters to me.  I've always been a grade oriented person and I don't think that will ever change.

I had a lot of fun breakdancing yesterday even though my butt and thighs hadn't really recovered from the hardcore workouts of the previous week.  I learned my first popping movies (like when you see guys looking like some kind of motion is flowing through their body) as well as some cool up rock and a couple more freezes.  I still don't have the upper body strength to support my weight in a hand stand for more than a fraction of a second before my arms buckle, but I'm working on it.  I mean, it's only my third time ever at the club and I feel like I've already learned a lot.  I'm sure by the end of five years I'll be some kind of breakdancing superhero fighting crime with my killer moves.  I'll have to come up with a secret identity.  Maybe I should start wearing a cape.

I fell asleep at 8 PM yesterday because I was so tired from staying up until 3 AM Saturday night and getting up the following morning to work on group work and breakdancing and then eating a big meal...so now I'm awake right now.  I don't particularly want to be.  There isn't anything to do at 5 AM.  But I can't sleep anymore so I'm drinking a glass of water and making an entry.  I guess I could always play an online game.  I don't know.  It's also really dark in here.  I feel like Batman if he was blogging.  Man...I bet Batman's blog would be really really angsty.

Anyway, good morning internets. :3

Who are you, New Jersey?  I see your footprints and I see that you've read deep into the reaches of time and space on this blog, yet you never comment.  I hope my blog is satisfying you and thank you for your patronage of reading time.

Yesterday went quite well.  We went to his favorite restaurant, we snuggled on the futon, we bought groceries together (one of our favorite activities if you'll believe it), I made him cereal treats, and we played Aion.  He's such a wonderful caring creature.  He's so wise and forgiving and he knows my heart is in the right place at all times and I'm always just trying to make him happy.  He was sad for a while, but he forgave me and I think that is one of the strongest things a person can do.  Maybe he's not so driven to find his dream job, but he is definitely living his life in the right way in all other aspects I think.

He's so shy, though.  He doesn't want to go with me to either aikido or breakdancing because he is frightened of large groups of people.  He got embarrassed when I asked him to stand in front of a tree for a picture because other people were around and he didn't want to be looked at.  I worry that his life is very lonely when I'm not around because he doesn't have any friends that aren't my friends first.  He doesn't have any social hobbies either.  I know that's just he way he is and possibly one of the reasons we are so perfect for each other, but I worry that it's adding to his dissatisfaction for living here.  I think he wants to go back to Columbia where we already had a firm friend base.  I'm trying my best to meet people and get to know people and make good friends, but I think he remembers it happening faster than it actually did back in undergrad.  We didn't have good friends for an entire year at Mizzou and now he is worried because we aren't super close with anyone after only a few months?  And we are close with a few people.  We have friends to play board games with, friends to go drinking with, and friends to work out with...he just doesn't utilize them because he's too shy to feel like he knows them already.  It's kind of a paradox in his head I think.  Honestly, I'm sure the longer we are here the better all these little negative things will get.  He'll find a new job, we'll get to know people better and this place will feel like home just like Columbia eventually did...at least that's what I'm hoping with all my heart.

Speaking of being more social, I had a lot of fun at the gym yesterday with a couple of my classmates.  The instructor was really energetic and the workout was definitely in my range of enjoyment.  There were a lot of lunges that work out the butt and thighs and I was under the impression that it would be more upper body work, so I agreed to go with another student afterward and play DDR...yeah...bad idea.  I mean, it was still fun and it was cute to see other first years trying DDR, but immediately after playing four sets of songs, some of them doubles, my legs gave out.  It was painful to walk.  The combination of lunges (which I don't normally do in my other exercises) and DDR just destroyed my upper thighs and ass.  It was difficult to sit down and stand up and even walk!  One of the students who went to the gym with me reminded me that the second day would be worse and oh boy is it!  I had to have my husband help me sit down on my computer chair yesterday night and today I had to basically lean over without bending my legs and support my whole body with my arms before I could sit down.  It's awful.  Indian style doesn't hurt, but sitting with my legs bent toward the floor is hellish.  But that's fantastic because it means I really worked out my legs and butt.  I'll just have to wait a few days to properly enjoy it. :3

I'm so excited about tonight!  First year cocktail party!  I can't wait for the witty banter, silly party games and ultimately embarrassing moments when people are super drunk.  I've got my camera ready and extra batteries in my purse!  Nearly the whole class is coming and I think that really shows how social we are and how much we like each other's company.  I can't even point out a single person I even sort of dislike in the class.  It's wonderful!  It's one of the reasons I know this place was the right decision for grad school, that and the breakdancing club.  It's everything I ever wanted in a final educational step!  I'm doing the things I've always wanted to do and meeting the people I've always wanted to meet and it's so awesome!

In conclusion, I'm sure things will get better for my husband and we will eventually be sad to leave this place as well.  It just takes more time than a couple months to feel that way.

Today has been declared a national holiday (by me) for my husband.  Why?  Because I lied to him for the first time in our relationship and I don't know how to make up for it.  What about, you ask?  Well, let me explain.  A few entries ago I commented on talking to someone again.  I am talking to him because I'm so happy that he seems to have forgiven me and also because I enjoy discussing things with him even if he can be a bit of a pessimist sometimes.  To be able to call him "my friend" again is wonderful and it almost feels like the past has been undone and I can let go of all the regret I've been storing up inside my heart.  But I did not tell these things to my husband.  I simply blew it off as talking to him because he was talking to me and pretended to be annoyed by it because I knew that while both me and the person I am chatting with had forgiven the past transgressions and moved past them...but my husband hasn't yet.  I didn't know how to tell him I was happy about something I knew he would be sad about.  And I knew I was doing it.  I could feel the lie every time I told it and it hurt me.  He finally called me out on it and I didn't really have a response.  Later the same night we were having sex and he got out of the mood before he could even finish...and I knew why.  I confronted him about it and we talked about everything I just said, but I could tell he was deeply hurt by the whole business.  I wish I had just told him the truth in the first place.  I don't know why I lied...I was just so scared that he would forbid me from the chatting that was making me feel so much better about things.  In the end he didn't say I had to stop chatting and I'm glad we talked about it, but I feel like I need to make it up to him.  It's awful to lie.  It's probably one of the most horrible things one human being can do to another...and I did it.  I'm a dick.

Other than that, I still haven't heard who my research adviser will be.  Fuck.

And I have lots of difficult homework.  Double fuck.

I'll post more later because more than that happened.

I finally did it.  I'm lifetime.

It's funny how alone one can feel when surrounded by people.  Ever since I was little I've always had this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that people just hang out with me because they are nice or because they are apathetic.  I've always felt like an outcast, the only exception being when I met my husband.  I guess that's why we are married.  But otherwise I always get this weird feeling like I'm intruding on something I wasn't meant to be a part of.  I hate making friends, even though I do it so easily.  It takes me a really long time before I can shove that awkward feeling to the back of my mind and accept that they might like being around me sometimes.  I also hate being told to call a professor by his/her first name.  I feel so uncomfortable, like the instant I do it they will shout, "Tricked you!  I actually find that extremely disrespectful.  Now get out of my sight you mindless sheep."  I like to pretend other people's opinions don't effect me, and I guess they really don't.  It's my own opinions about other people and the thoughts I make up for them to think that effect me.  I often wonder how much of what I make up to be in other people's minds is actually truthful.  I think I think way more about other people than they ever think about me and I'm not all that sure how to go about working on the problem.  Eh.  I guess there are much worse problems to have so maybe I should shut up.

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There isn't enough time in the day and my mother asked me a frightening question the other day.  "So, do you and Mike just not do anything together anymore?" Of course I refuted her claim, but honestly we don't get to spend all that much time together.  I'm sure you've noticed the volume of sex-related posts has gone down if you read this blog a lot...and that's because we just aren't having it that often anymore.  We eat meals together sometimes...sometimes two a day...sometimes one...sometimes none actually.  When he gets home from work he's often grumpy or touchy and will become frustrated too easily for me to want to talk to him for extended periods of time.  He also complains about a lot of things lately, like how well I clean the apartment or how I wash the dishes and it gets pretty irritating since I'm doing everything housekeeping in addition going to class and doing homework and all he does when he gets home is waste time on the internet or play computer games.  I understand that he needs time to wind down, we all do, but I don't think it's fair for him to complain about all the things I do if he isn't going to help with any of it.  Did you ever complain about how your mom did the laundry?  I didn't.  She accidentally dyed all my white shirts pink with a red blanket once and I didn't say a thing because I never help with the laundry anyway and probably would have made the same mistake.  It's just really frustrating sometimes, so I end up scheduling lots of things to do after I get out of class and even in the evenings so that I don't have to be home and I don't have to listen to him complain.  He even berates me for playing MMOs halfheartedly.  I mean, it's a fucking game and I just want to relax and NOT concentrate for a change and all he can think about is how I didn't do exactly what he commanded me to do.  It's awful.

I mean, it isn't like that all the time...but it is probably a majority of time.  Sometimes he can be really sweet and I'm hoping it's just his hatred of his job that has him so tense and thoughtlessly cruel...but I can't be sure.  I don't remember him being like this for such an extended period of time before.  Maybe every so often he would have a bad day, but never like this, never ever day.  Again, I keep blaming myself for his current state and it's really starting to effect me mentally.  I don't really know if I can make a whole year with him hating his job...and he also seems so disinterested in figuring out what he wants to do with his life.  It's like living with a 15-year-old kid instead of my 22-year-old husband.  I feel like he will never quit the job because he will never have the drive to get any other job.  I mean I basically filled out his application for the place he is working at now and told him what to say in his phone interviews during the actual interviews (I whispered things to him), so I honestly don't think he would have gotten it without my help and I don't know if he will ever get a job of his own free will and desire.  I find that so depressing both for him and for our future and I guess I should have noticed this trait before now but one can become wrapped up in the fun things and push the serious things to the side.  *sigh*  I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry this entry is so depressing.

Please, whatever you do, whatever anyone tells you, DO NOT EVER EVER EVER WATCH PINK FLAMINGOS!  I'm not going to explain why.  Just please, for fuck's sake, do not watch it.

Holy fuck on a fuck sandwich!

I just wanted to say that.

Nothing inherently interesting has happened since I made my last entry, but I just felt like making one. 

Our microfluidic device worked and all the other groups' failed.  I'll chalk that one down as a win.  I better get an A in Microchemical Systems for that.

I can't wait until Halloweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!!!!  I'm so excited and I get more and more excited every day and I just know I'll want to take more pictures than my camera can hold!  Wheeee!!!

My whole body is basically in a state of deep, almost paralyzing muscle pain.  Obviously breakdancing is a wonderful work out for me, but I'm wondering if at this rate I'll be able to go and not die on Thursday.  Right now I can hardly do anything but sit and walk because everything in my upper torso and ass area hurts.  Even my palms hurt from practicing the freezes.  It's hard to balance on only your hands and head when you are used to using your feet.  Anyway, I'll do my best, but perhaps I should take it a little easier next time.  What am I saying?  When have I ever taken an endeavor other than World of Warcraft easy?  Never, that's the answer.  I'm sure I'll go on Thursday and I'm sure I'll practice my heart out and suffer through the pain because at least then I know I'm alive.

I'm really hungry right now but I don't want to eat anything because the Discovery Channel scared the crap out of me.  Did you know living a "healthy" lifestyle by maintaining a normal weight and exercising will only increase your life expectancy in that you won't die of a heart attack or whatever, but only eating a low calorie diet (they were talking barely more than starvation) will actually add years onto your life.  Basically, your body is a rechargable battery.  Every time you recharge it (with lots and lots of food) it lasts for less time after the charge.  Eventually you can't charge it anymore and it just stops working.  Therefore, eating very small amounts of food makes your body work less hard to keep you running.  It seems almost counter intuitive, but I can honestly say that I never feel really good after eating a huge meal so I guess it makes sense.  Perhaps I should lower my weight goal to like 110 pounds instead of 115.

Anyway, I'm just babbling to hear myself talk at this point.  I'ma stop now.

GAAAHHHH!!!  It's driving me INSANE!!!  Why haven't they announced our research advisor assignments yet?!  I need to know!  What a terrible thing to leave hanging over the heads of eager graduate students over a weekend!

Also today I went to my first breakdancing club meeting and it was A-FUCKING-MAZING and I will be going back as much as I can because it makes me feel like such a fantastic bamf.  I learned just a few very simplistic things and foundational moves, but I'm proud that by the end of the meeting I could do all of them (albeit poorly).  A few minutes after I left the meeting I was suddenly drained of all energy, a great sign that I worked out a lot of muscles I had not been using prior, and that is also fantastic.  I can feel my shoulders and back and abs aching with the pain of growth and improvement.  That's my favorite pain.  Actually I wouldn't call it pain.  I would call it progress. 

Regardless I am extremely happy that I've grown such a drive to achieve all the fun things I've always wanted to do.  I should make a list:
- Learn to play the keytar: in progress.
- Learn to breakdance: in progress.
- Learn a martial art: in progress.
- Learn a new language: not yet started.
- Weigh 115 pounds: working on it...slowly.
- Meet the female love of my life: working on it...super slowly.

I'll come up with more later.  Now I need to sleep.

Good night, internets.

I'm talking to both of them right now...

This is awful.  I must be a masochist.