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  • I've been working really hard in the lab, trying desperately to validate my existence as a graduate student.  It hasn't been going well.  Biological processes are all series processes.  Each step depends on the previous one.  Every failure means that I have to start all the way back at the beginning of the process...which can sometimes mean I just did several days of work for nothing.  The second most recent attempt at the biological laboratory training protocol seemed so promising.  I actually completed the process!  However, my excitement was short lived when I came to find my petri dishes clean when they should have been coated in little bacterial colonies the following morning.  I sighed and tossed them aside.  But what went wrong?  Why hadn't it worked?  I went back through the steps and realized that everything had been confirmed successful except the last two steps, and after a discussion with my professor I realized I could easily figure out which of them was the failure.  This week I redid the protocol carefully, doing everything exactly the same way I had, except for one particular step.  And to my surprise, this morning my petri dishes were dotted uniformly with little living things.  I was elated...until I realized that every step was working...except for a key step, which I never successfully completed and which was basically the foundation for my real project.  So...I guess I'm happy I figured out what was wrong, but I'm rather frustrated because of the step that it ended up being.  I just feel so inadequate as a biological researcher.  It's so much more complicated than inorganic chemistry where nothing is alive.  I've never been a good gardener and I've killed several rodents as childhood pets, so what made me think I could succeed in a field where part of the task is to keep things alive?  *sigh*  All I can do is keep trying, desperately, frustrated, and eventually I'll succeed...but it may lead to a 7 year PhD.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    I intended to rant more about Twilight, but as time passed my anger has faded to a dull ache in the back of my mind.  The writing sucked, but I guess I can see where lonely 14-year-old girls and sexually frustrated women in their 40's could enjoy it.  However, I just couldn't.  The glaringly bad writing (and I'm not claiming to be any great writer, but I don't have a series of published books either) overshadowed any value the frail plot had to offer.  And I'll leave it at that.  I guess I don't have to feel guilty about making fun of it because now I've read it from beginning to end and I know it's bad, so there.

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    I finished our ACen costumes, and I honestly don't know if could have done without the ability to use a sewing machine.  Rather than explain them, I'll just post a couple pictures:

     

    Additionally, I'm bleaching my hair!  After coming to the conclusion that getting it done at a salon was going to be waaaaaaaaaaaaay too expensive, I started searching for cheaper alternatives.  Someone in my lab group suggested hydrogen peroxide, so I looked it up online and called my mom who also uses it to bleach her hair.  The process sounded easy so I tried it out.  My only complaint is that each application only lightens my hair in a very minor way.  I mean, it's golden instead of brown now, but that's after four separate applications.  But, for less than $5 how can I complain?  I'll post more pictures when I get my hair the way I want it.

    On the downside, while I was working on the costumes I guess I bumped or kicked my gallon jug of distilled water for the iron and it sprung a tiny pinhole leak.  Needless to say, when I noticed, it had completely drained out all over the storage room floor and underneath the boxes of stuff.  And I noticed at 3 AM...so I spent the wee hours of Monday morning cleaning up the spill.  Thankfully the water didn't get to any of the boxes with paper things stored in them, but it was very annoying nonetheless.  It was very gratifying as I cleaned to find that there were no dead bugs under things and other than the water there really wasn't anything to clean up.  I was very sleepy in lab that day though...  Teaches me a lesson on distilled water storage I guess.

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    I passed my oral qualifying exam.  Now I'm officially a PhD candidate.  I won't say too much more than that because it didn't go all that well, and even though I passed I'm not looking forward to the review sheet once it's in the hands of my professor...  I'll talk more about it when I know more.

  • There are days when everything falls into place effortlessly.  Saturday was one of those days.  As is my way, I immediately sat down at my computer upon waking and went about idly checking my intarwebs.  A wide smile crept across my face because the only person I'm excited to talk to on gmail chat was online.  I had hope that perhaps we could spend a bit of time together over the weekend and sent her a short message asking if she was free.  She wasn't, of course, what with homework and studying sucking up her time, so I sighed and resigned myself to relaxing at home for another uneventful Saturday.  But then she mentioned that one of her roommates was planning a barbecue, hinting that it would be a very poor study environment.  I saw my opportunity and quickly offered my barbecue free apartment as a study location.  She happily excepted and said that I could come pick her up after she had gotten off work.  I was ecstatic and started fussing about what I would wear and if my hair looked too stupid, even though she had seen me in my pajamas on one occasion when I came over to her place to borrow her sewing machine.

    As her time at work came to a close I looked for her online and picked her up.  She offered to bring her sewing machine over and it was like she had read my mind because I had prepped a bunch of costume parts to be sewn together the previous evening.  We spent the entire evening together, first with me sewing furiously and she and the hubs watching television with some intermittent chatting, then dinner near campus after checking on my cultures, then respectful silence while she worked on her homework, I continued to sew and my husband played Pokemon with the sound off.  It all felt so right and natural, as though we had been spending time together like this for months.  I sneaked a few peeks at the two of them sitting together on the futon and stared happily for a few seconds at their focused faces thinking about how incredibly lucky I was to be experiencing this blissful Saturday evening.  But all good things must come to an end and eventually she needed to get home so she could rest for another long day of studying.  We decided to make a visit to Steak 'n Shake prior to dropping her off at home, and while our order took quite a while to come out I took this as a boon of extra time to spend.  I knew I had to tell her how I was feeling and as she left the car and waved goodbye I considered how best to do so.

    Earlier in the evening we had been discussing rants, mainly because I had been ranting about how much I hated reading Twilight, and I said that I usually reserve ranting for my blog.  This seemed to catch her attention and she commented that I would have to give her the website for it.  A couple hours after we had gotten back home this thought occurred to me and I thought to myself, "Perhaps this blog would be the perfect way to let her know what a big silly 7th grade crush I have on her," because I had made an entry about it only a few days before.  So I sent her a quick e-mail and offered to share my blog with her, giving a disclaimer that it's mostly whining but also indicating that I had recently mentioned her in an entry.  She sent me a curious reply, but unfortunately told me that her internet at home had not been paid for so she wouldn't be able to be online very much.  I sent her my username and my condolences, wistfully wondering if this was the universe telling me that she wouldn't like what I had written.  To my surprise she sent me a message a little later telling me that her curiosity had taken hold and she had paid the internet bill (even though it was not her responsibility and her roommate was supposed to do it) so that she could read my blog.  I felt a little guilty, but as I read on that faded into sheer joy because she responded positively to the content.  I almost cried with relief.  Not only did she now know how I was feeling but she felt the same way!  I was in a fog the rest of the day, daydreaming.  I can't wait for the next time we see one another.  I'm going to wrap my arms around her and just hold her like I've been wishing I could since I met her.  Summer will be great, too, especially if my husband has quit his job, because we'll be able to hang out a lot more without schedules conflicting or lots of homework hanging over our heads.  Ah, I feel so lucky right now.

    It's amazing how much better my life is when I focus on what would make me happy instead of pleasing societal norms.  I stop worrying over what my parents will say when my husband is jobless and my stress just melts away.  I ignore the taboo against polyamorous relationships and I meet the girl of my dreams.  I'm just...so satisfied right now.  I feel wonderful.  I had some more mundane things to talk about but they seem kind of silly now, so I'll just leave it at that.

  • Back again, waiting for my husband to get off work.

    He's going to give his two weeks notice soon.  We've given up on the idea of starting a small business because it will be far too much stress for me to deal with.  After a lot of thinking, I've decided I'll only be satisfied with two scenarios.  1) He becomes a househusband, cooking, cleaning, and driving me to and from work, taking the pressure off of me to be both a responsible graduate student as well as an excellent housekeeper.  This would also afford me the pleasure of disregarding his work schedule, allow me to stay up until 6 AM, sleep until 3 PM and working until 11 PM as is my nature rhythm.  2) He gets a job at Volition, a video game developer right here in town.  While it may not be his favorite game company in the whole world or anything, it is still most certainly a step in the right direction toward eventually working for Blizzard or Bioware.  I looked at our finances and as long as we don't reproduce in the next few years we have nothing to worry about.  We can easily survive off of my salary alone and have already saved a fair amount for future use and emergencies.  Yes, yes, if he kept his horrible, boring, fruitless job we could save even more, but life is too fucking short to be frustrated for five years just because someone is paying you for it.  I'll be very happy when he tells me he gave his notice.  We'll probably go out somewhere fancy to celebrate...like Steak 'n Shake.

    A very fantastic aspect of my life right now is love.  A few days ago I posted a facebook status:

    Kathryn XXXXXX 
    is madly in love with you.

    It only applies to five people.  One of them reads this blog.  One of them is married to me.  Two of them will never appreciate my sentiment, but it's still there all the same.  The last is basically the female version of the one who is married to me.  She is beautiful, inside and out, in all the ways that I find most attractive.  We've hung out several times and each time I could barely leave her side when I had to go.  The most recent time I almost kissed her, but pulled back just in time for her not to notice.  I'm nervous and goofy just like I used to be when I had crushes in high school.  It's fantastic, honestly.  We craft together.  She helped me make my husband's costume for ACen, and as she leaned over the sewing machine that's when I almost kissed her.  Her neck was right there, asking for it, but I knew that would be absolutely the wrong thing to do except in my twisted little mind.  I'm not very tactful.  I have a lot of trouble not just immediately touching people I find mentally AND physically attractive.  So it's been hard.  However, it's also been extremely wonderfully amazing.  And it isn't awkward.  We've had dinner with her, my husband and me, and it felt like we were already a love triangle.  I just hope I don't mess it up by acting too quickly.  My fingers are crossed indefinitely.

    I think that gets us up to date.  I'll do my best to post more regularly and live up to the little "Lifetime" box that appears next to my name.

  • And a bit more before my cultures are done incubating.

    I've been sharing books with another first year, a bisexual, polyamorous first year who, despite being so similar in romantic concepts, is almost nothing like me otherwise.  She let slip that she viewed Robert Heinlein as a sexist writer at a dinner party (which I will talk about later) and I just couldn't put up with someone discounting amazing literature because it came from a less "progressive" era.  I forced Stranger in a Strange Land on her and she in turn handed me Ender's Game, which I thoroughly enjoyed.  I let her know that she had my respect as a literary critic and I offered Time Enough for Love just to cement her new found enjoyment of Heinlein.  I received Twilight as payment.  After having made fun of it for so long I thought perhaps I owed it something, to read it and give it a chance, a handshake after a long and brutal battle of wits.  So I sat down one night and began, taking a deep breath and bracing myself.  I was hoping to be surprised, I suppose.  I was hoping that it would be good and I could understand why everyone was so enraptured by it.  Well...I was not surprised.  The characters (who are the story what with the complete lack of any real action or plot) are one dimensional and utterly boring.  I can't say they are predictable because nothing they do makes any sense, but in some ways that's worse than being predictable.  I get this feeling of pretentiousness overwhelming my senses when I read for more than a few hours, similar to when I read the bible, the feeling that if I commented on how bad it was people would retort with things like, "You just don't understand," or, "You aren't the right type of person to enjoy it," things that can't be reasoned through logically.  I've been thinking through what I'm going to tell her when I return the book to her.  I've settled on saying nothing, and when prompted for my opinion I will respond curtly and negatively, but not cruelly.  For example:

    Her:  "Ohhh, Katie, did you like it?" *expectant face*
    Me:  "No.  Sorry.  Here's your book back.  I would love to read something else, though!"

    However, the dinner parties are grand!  There are six of us, counting myself and my husband.  We rotate dinner every Sunday and cook something for everyone else followed by sitting around chatting about this and that.  It's really nice.  It makes me feel like an adult, but not in that boring, responsible way.  Instead, I feel like an adult in the way that I can plan events and cook for others and have a home to invite them into happily.  It's really nice.  When my turn came up last Sunday I cooked manicotti and egg rolls and made boba and root beer floats for dessert.  Everyone loved it and I had so much fun.  If only I had a house and a dining room and all that, but I suppose it's really the people you are with and not the location that matters the most, and I really like the people I'm with right now.

    And with that I must return again to my research, but I still have more so I'll return again when I have a chance to try and wrap it all up.

  • It's been a while and there is a lot to say.  I'm not sure I'll be able to get through it all in the 30 minutes I have, but I'll do my best.

    I've been worrying a lot about death lately, my own death, the death of loved ones, just death in general.  The most unsettling part is the dreams.  Car crashes, murders, horrible gory accidents involving all sorts of machinery, I have one almost every night.  I don't sleep well and have taken to sleeping on the futon rather than keeping my husband up with my tossing and turning.  I've tried a lot of things to stop the dreams, calling my parents before I go to sleep to verify that they are living, holding my husband extra long before drifting to sleep, even making sure that all my close friends posted on facebook in that last few hours before sleep, but nothing seems to work.  Sometimes I have dreams where I don't even know the people who are dying, but I always have the feeling in the pit of my stomach when I jolt awake that I'm somehow responsible for their deaths.  I assume it may be just stress and this is how I deal with it, but my mother always told me that clairvoyancy and psychic tendencies ran in our family.  I always assumed she was just making it up to make us sound special, and I hope I was right.  I hope these dreams aren't some kind of warning, a warning about my life, a warning about my research, a warning about consequences...

    Physically, I'm fine.  I've been working out more than previously, DDR on Monday, Aikido practice on Wednesday, Tricking on Friday, and more DDR on Saturday.  My muscles ache and I messed up my knee last Wednesday, but the result is an increase in energy and, of course, self confidence.  I did my first "real" handstand last week Friday and I'm getting close to doing my first cartwheel ever.  It feels...pleasant, for lack of a better word.  I've been trying to eat right, but stress isn't very useful in this endeavor and I find myself slipping often.  A little too much steak here, an uncomfortable evening of feeling overstuffed there, and they add up.  Thankfully, the working out has kind of balanced the overeating, so I haven't gained any weight really...but I haven't lost any either.  I'm still hovering around 118-120 even though I decided months ago that I wanted to get down to 110-115.  I'm not too worried about it as long as I don't gain any weight, and it's not like I look like a huge fatty or anything.  I look fine and my husband says I'm beautiful and that's good enough for me right now.  I'll work on the weight thing later when I'm feeling less overwhelmed by everything.

    I almost switched out of my research group in the hopes of getting out of a chemical laboratory.  I've noticed, far more than I did in undergrad, that being in a lab every single day scares the shit out of me.  I'm constantly wondering who touched what where and with what horrible chemical on their gloves.  I think I might have a phobia of dangerous chemicals...google says it's called "chemophobia" which I suppose should have been obvious.  Heck of a thing to discover after getting into graduate school.  Regardless, I ended up deciding against switching out of the lab not because I think I will become less afraid of chemicals over time, but because the people in this group are amazing and I don't want to leave them.  As long as I keep that in mind, I think I can make it through the next four or five years.  Additionally, I did some research about different types of chemical laboratories, and biological labs are actually the "safest" of the lot, so that makes me feel a fair amount better.  If it wasn't for all the amazing people around me every day, I don't know what I would do, though...probably switch out of chemical engineering to something less dangerous, like electrical and computer engineering.  I don't know.

    There is a lot more to say, but I have to get back to my experiments.  I'll continue later this weekend.

  • I had a "date" last night.  We went and got ice cream and then chatted for several hours about a bunch of random stuff.  I haven't had such an enjoyable evening for a long time.  I think we might be hanging out again tonight or tomorrow.  She's so cute!

    I'm so glad I got onto OkCupid.com.  Soooo much better than the weirdness of craigslist or the lack of anonymity of facebook.

  • The following are two dreams I had last night that I felt I should write down so I would not forget them.

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    I was a soldier, long and lean.  I probably could have been a body double for a super model, but wrapped up in all that camouflage I looked rather plain.  It never felt like we were making any progress.  The war dragged on and all I could think about was my daughter back home.  We were both second class citizens normally, names shouted at us as we walked down the street to the "GENETICS ONLY" section of town, but in a time of war, our height and strength made us desirable members of society.

    I shook my mane in the breeze as I stood with my rifle in the ready position.  The weather was so beautiful, if only the circumstances were less dangerous I would have been completely at ease in this place.  Rolling plains, a scattering of trees.  Maybe it was the genetically inserted lion genes pulsing in my cells, but I wanted to curl up for a nap in the shade and forget my troubles.  In a moment I would leave on patrol into dangerous territory, but I couldn't focus on that.  I had to focus on staying alive.  I had to focus on seeing my daughter again.

    Several other soldiers and an officer joined my side and my relief took up my rifle.  We started on our patrol, the same patrol we did every afternoon around this time.  But something was different.  We weren't walking the direction we normally took.  And why was there an officer with us this time?  I sighed and tried to focus on staying hidden, but the hairs on the back of my neck kept reminding me that something was unsettling.  We emerged from a section of forest and into a large open area.  I had never been there before.  I didn't see any camps or even remnants left behind by enemy soldiers.  I didn't smell them on the breeze.  Where were we?

    Suddenly a large section of the ground opened up and several enemy commandos emerged from the darkness of the opening.  I shouted in alarm and drew my pistol, but a couple of the soldiers pushed me forward.  I stumbled a few steps before turning to retaliate, but the ground opened below me and I fell for several seconds before landing in some kind of jelly-like substance in complete darkness.  I cried out, made as much noise as I could, thrashed about, tried to run, but heard nothing in response.  Where was I?  What was this substance?  Was I going to die?

    I ran and ran and trudged through the jelly until I felt a wall of some sort.  It wasn't stone or dirt or mud, but cold metal.  Was I in some kind of holding cell?  What was this place?  I began to cry, realizing that this could be the end.  I would never see my daughter again.  In fact, with the military treating me like this she was probably already dead.  I cried bitterly and for what seemed like several hours.  Then the lights came on.

    I was in a room, approximately 20 feet by 20 feet, filled waist deep with a clear viscous substance.  The walls were metal with fluorescent lights doting them every few feet all the way to the top which was visible as another metal sheet.  There were no windows and no apparent doors, but as I observed this one of the walls opened about 15 feet above the metal floor and a man popped his head into the room.  He said nothing, observed me for several seconds as I tried desperately to jump and climb my way to the opening, and then disappeared again.  The door closed and a new door opened even farther up the wall.  A short section of piping extended through it and lots of what looked like ball bearings fell into the jelly a few feet from me.

    I furrowed my brow and moved away from them, but the shiny little spheres followed my movements, slowly creeping toward me in the jelly.  I began to run frantically around the room, avoiding them as the swirling jelly brought them closer and closer to me.  Despite my efforts, a single sphere jumped from the jelly and contacted my skin.  I've never felt such agony!  A piercing pain ran through what felt like all my nerves at the same instant.  I winced and fell to my knees.  To my dismay I was paralyzed.  The rest of the spheres surrounded my body and attached themselves to my skin one by one, each time sending the horrible shock of piercing pain through my entire body.  I couldn't move, I couldn't scream, I could barely open my eyes.

    I must have passed out because I awoke to a different room, this time a cell with concrete walls and a large transparent window on one side.  I was laying on a small concrete "bunk" protruding from one of the walls.  I sat up and rubbed my head, to my horror finding that the spheres still coated my body!  I scratched at them frantically, trying to pull them off my skin and hands and face, but I was covered.  They had all attached not only to my skin, but to one another by a series of tiny blue glowing threads.  I could see myself in the shiny surface of the window.

    As I stared through the window I noticed that across from my cell was another identical cell with another genetic slumped against the wall just below the bunk.  It was hard to make out the details of its appearance because of the blue glow surrounding my eyes, but it seemed younger and smaller than me.  I squinted my eyes and pushed my face up against the glass surface of the window.  It was another lion genetic, a young female, dressed in a ridiculous "wild woman" outfit.  Her face was badly beaten and blood hung in the fur under her nose.  She turned her face in her sleep and I gave a whimper of surprise and horror.  That badly beaten face was the face of my daughter.  She was in the cell across from me!

    I jumped up from the ground and beat frantically on the glass.  I growled and yelled and jumped about, hoping that my movement and noise would get her attention.  I found that the small spheres all over my body made my movements faster and sharper.  I felt as though I could keep furiously pounding on the glass for hours and not become tired.  I felt stronger, too.  I started looking for weak points in the glass, hoping that perhaps I could break through, although I was unsure of what I would do with freedom in this strange place.

    After a few minutes of trying a small metal wire slowly extended from the wall of my cell.  I noticed it and immediately backed away, flatting my body against the opposite wall.  The wire continued to extend, probably provoked by my excessive activity, and seemed to be headed for my neck.  I clawed at the wall, wishing that I could be back home in the slums cuddling with my daughter for warmth in the cold winter night.  I regretted enlisting in the army.  I regretted hugging her goodbye at the shelter for homeless genetics.  I regretted everything.  The wire contacted my skin and to my surprise I felt nothing.  The wire was withdrawn a bit and then poked against my skin again.  Nothing.  I stood triumphantly as if to mock my captors.  Again the wire poked me, this time causing my skin to tingle.  I felt stronger and more alert.  The glow around my eyes increased.  The spheres all over my body began to vibrate.  The wire was quickly withdrawn and alarms began to sound.

    "Didn't knock me out, did it?!" I growled at the wall.  I felt empowered, as if I could walk through the glass without resistance.  I slammed my body against the window of my cell as human guards in the attire of enemy soldiers began to accumulate in the hallway.  One began fiddling with the window into my daughter's cell.  I threw myself against the glass again, this time causing a cracking sound to alert the soldiers nearest my cell.  Again!  Again!  And with one last crushing blow the window of my cell blew to pieces around me.  A soldier had opened my daughter's cell and was carrying her away while the rest of the soldiers blocked my path, shouting to one another.  I didn't hear them.  I tossed them aside like rag dolls.  The soldier with my daughter looked over his shoulder in panic.  In a few strides I was right beside him.  He began to whimper and stopped running, turned to me slowly and pushed my daughter toward me.  I lifted her from his arms and threw her over my shoulder, pushing him against a wall roughly and growling, "Which way is out?!"

    The smell of urine immediately filled the air.  He pointed down a hallway, his finger shaking as he softly coughed out, "That way to the exit...b-b-b-but your daughter won't wake up if you leave now."

    "WHAT?!!"

    I snatched the front of his uniform in my paw and lifted him off the ground.  "Then what WILL wake her up?!"  I could tell that I was choking him and as he gasped for air he pointed in the opposite direction.  I threw him to the ground and walked over the unconscious bodies of the soldiers around my cell.  The spheres all over my body continued to vibrate and my vision was clouded by rage and worry.  I plowed down the hallway.  Soldiers shot at me from out of doorways and around corners, but the bullets stopped harmlessly a few inches from my body and hung in the air, orbiting around me as if captured in some kind of field.  I batted them to the ground and continued onwards until soldiers stopped coming and I reached a large yellow metal door equipped with some kind of visual identification security system.

    A computer voice instructed me to "wait in my location for security teams to ascertain the problem" so I crushed the control panel and set my daughter down next to the door.  I could feel the spheres vibrating more violently.  I moved my hand in front of the door and could feel a sort of resonance.  I touched the door and it began vibrating along with my arm.  I pushed my shoulder against it and it gave like butter to a knife.  Throwing it aside, I picked my daughter back up and headed into what looked like a giant cavern system.

    Rusty brown rock formations jutted around a winding man-made path that continued for longer than I could see.  I started to walk when a booming voice filled the air.

    "Your daughter is mine!"

    I looked around with anger rising in my throat and gripped my daughter tight to my chest.  "Where are you?!  Show yourself!  Whatever you were planning didn't work on me!"  I saw nothing but the rocky walls staring back at me.  I started running down the path, screaming, roaring with rage.  I came to an intersection.  To the right, more cavern.  To the left, a small metal observation room with several windows.  From a distance I couldn't see any movement inside.  I started toward it with a purpose.  When I reached the door I placed my hand against it and threw it aside like a crumpled piece of paper.  Inside were several computer screens, each displaying a different murky lake within the cavern.  Frightened that I would ruin the equipment were I to touch it, I set my daughter gently onto the ground near the monitors and used her tiny paw to push a few buttons.

    Accidentally I accessed some sort of log about "progress within the cavern facility".  The entries began by explaining the discovery of lakes filled with otherworldly materials that could be utilized for a variety of applications.  Some lakes seemed to improve hearing, others strength and speed, and still others could stop aging.  I watched the logs in horror, realizing that my daughter and I, as well as other genetics, had been chosen to be "guinea pigs" to elucidate the properties of the discovered substances within the cavern.  We were bargaining chips in the war, given to the enemy in exchange for a cease fire.  I'm sure the army gladly gave away its stock of outcast genetics to save the rest of humanity.  The logs talked about different genetics taking to different substances more easily, as well as what substances killed what kinds of genetics.  Near the end of the logs I stumbled upon one referencing two related lion genetics, one half lion and the other produced from the mating of that half lion with a human male.  It became apparent that the younger lion genetic, my daughter, had been exposed to the same treatment I had been, a mixture of the substances from the lakes in a form that could attach to the body of a host and improve them in every way, with the added benefit of mind control.  "Unfortunately" the spheres that had been created could not "commune" with my daughter's genetics because her lion genes were too diluted.  Something about lion physiology made lion genetics especially receptive to this treatment.

    "Mind control?" I thought to myself.  I continued to listen to the logs, discovering that my daughter had been put into a paralyzed state similar to the one that I had experienced when the spheres had first attached themselves to me and that she was not to be awakened unless the "mother" was resistant to the mind control.  Two entries referenced my own treatment being a "huge success" followed by concerns about the mind control abilities of the spheres not functioning properly.  A final entry, frantically entered, spoke of the mind control signal incorrectly interacting with the spheres, exciting them rather than calming and controlling "the subject" and ended with "ALERT 374:  SUBJECT 90 UNRESPONSIVE TO CONTROL.  DETAIN IMMEDIATELY.  DETAIN IMMEDIATELY."

    I shut down the computer system and lifted my daughter's face in front of mine.  I softly wiped the blood from under her nose and laid her against my shoulder, rocking back and forth and singing an old lullaby that my caretaker at an orphanage in my childhood used to sing to me.  I wondered if she had been raped and if that was the purpose of her scanty outfit.  For the first time I took notice of my own attire.  I, too, was wearing the same cave woman-like outfit.  I wondered if we were both intended to be playthings for the soldiers in addition to being test subjects for these dangerous experiments.  I hugged my daughter tightly and hefted her back onto my shoulder, whispering, "I'll save us.  I'll free us."

    I had to wake her up.  I ransacked the small observatory but found nothing that sounded like the anti-paralysis medication that the logs referenced when waking me up.  I scanned the monitors for any location that looked like it could yield medical supplies.  One room contained a lot of lab benches and a huge lake of what looked to be molten metal.  But where was it?  How would I get there?  A notation indicated that the room was called "area 12" and a map hung against the wall of the room.  I quickly found the location on the map and began running as fast as I could in its direction.  Upon reaching the entrance to the room, the booming voice again called out to me.

    "I've done it!  You'll never make it out of here with your daughter and your life!"

    I roared so loud that the cavern shook around me.  I ripped the door away from "area 12" and ran inside to find a metal statue of a human male near one of the lab benches.  This figure had not been visible on the monitors, so I approached it with caution.  I set my daughter down next to the entrance and took a few steps toward the figure.  It remained immobile.  I took a few more steps and it suddenly turned toward me and grabbed my arm, throwing me across the room with incredible force.  I hit the opposite wall from the "statue" and all glow of the spheres flickered and went out.  Suddenly I felt them, one by one, rolling down my body and onto the floor around me.  Everything grew dim and I felt myself passing out, but I forced my eyes opened and staggered to my feet.  The living statue approached me slowly, obviously coming to finish the job of killing me.  I stumbled frantically away along the walkways around the giant lake of metal.  The statue spoke in the same voice that I had heard bellowing in the cavern previously.

    "The metal in this lake is the ultimate weapon!  I've finally done it!  Those spheres we designed were only the beginning!  We'll dominate the world with this!  You and your daughter have given us what we need to crush every other powerful government and rule with fear for thousands of years!"

    I grasped at my chest.  My heart felt like it was going to explode.  I knew that if he reached me he would easily push my weakened body over the edge to death.  I stumbled a few more steps and fell to my knees.  His steps shook the walkway beneath me and as I tried to stand I tumbled backwards into the lake of metal.  Time seemed to stop an instant before I hit the surface.  I was about to melt to death in molten metal.  My daughter would be killed or raped or both.  She was the only thing I cared about in the world and I was about to fail her ultimately.  A single tear escaped on of my eyes before I fell deftly against the lake of metal.

    I sank below the surface.  I was surprised to observe the the metal lake was actually transparent underneath.  I could see the lights of the room and the walkway as well as the human statue stalking back and forth above me.  I felt heavy, like I couldn't breath, but I found that I didn't really need to breath.  I looked down at my feet and noticed that my entire body was coated with the same metal texture that the human was.  I began walking arduously toward the edge of the lake, crawling carefully up the side and reaching for the railing of the walkway above.  I pulled myself up out of the lake and jumped to my feet right in front of the human.  He stared up at me in horror and I grabbed him around the throat, squeezing as hard as I could.  I lifted him as his legs kicked about trying to find the ground.  He pulled at my hand, trying to disrupt my grip around his scrawny human throat.

    "I could have been human, too, you know.  But humans like you make me glad I can't be counted in your ranks."  I crushed his throat and dropped him to the floor.  The metal layer covering his skin fractured and flaked away, leaving his pink face contorted in a horror fueled grimace.  I ran to my daughter's side, checking that she was still breathing.  I again ransacked the room looking for anything that might wake her up.  I found an incubator labeled "Subject Paralysis Supplies" and grabbed the vials within.  Several contained a yellow liquid and a few others contained a whitish powder.  I recalled from the logs that "an injection of Yellow 45" had been used to awaken me from paralysis, so I grabbed a nearby syringe and injected a small amount of the yellow liquid into my daughter's arm.  She stirred and after a few moments her eyes opened and she looked up at me.

    Her eyes widened and she screamed, "Mommy?!  Are you a statue like him?!  Are you alive?!"  I reached out to her and hugged her to my cold body.  "I'm...okay, Rai.  I'm not sure what this metal is or what it will do to me, but I'm alive."  Her body relaxed and she clung to me.  "Free the others, Mommy!  Free them.  The soldiers used us for things...I want to go home..."  She started crying and pointed to a control system near the lab bench the human was standing by when I first entered the room.  I lifted her as I stood up and held her gently in one arm as I fiddled with the system.  The metal coating my paws seemed to resonate again with the metal, scrambling the system, but in a few moments I heard an alarm sound.

    "ALERT 16:  ELECTRONIC SYSTEMS MALFUNCTION.  ALERT 27:  CELL BREACH IN ALL SECTORS.  ALERT 3:  FACILITY SELF DESTRUCT SEQUENCE INITIATED.  ALL PERSONNEL EVACUATE.  ALL PERSONNEL EVACUATE.  10 MINUTES TO FACILITY DESTRUCTION..."

    I looked at my daughter and gripped her tight and I began running from the room.  I wound my way back out of the cavern and down the hallways of the facility.  Soldiers ran along side me, but we all ignored one another in the hope of escaping.  I ran by the passed out soldier who had urinated in his own pants and grabbed his body from the floor, carrying him by his torso.  I ran and ran and ran and burst through the doors at the exit to the facility.  Soldiers littered the field around the darkened entrance to the underground facility as well as several genetics.  We all ran as fast as we could away from the forsaken field.

    In the aftermath of the explosion I just kept running.  After getting deep into the forest around the facility, I dropped the soldier I had been carrying and stopped running.  I didn't feel tired, probably do to the effects of the metal coating on my body, but I just couldn't run anymore.  I was too confused, so frightened, too worried about what the next few hours would bring.  I sat down against a tree and held my daughter in my lap.

    "What now, Mommy?  I'm afraid..."

    "I don't know.  I don't know..."  I hugged her tight.

    The soldier I had carried out stirred from his unconscious state.  He opened his eyes and looked around.  Upon seeing me he started and reached for his pistol.  I shook my head disapprovingly and he seemed to remember what had happened.  "What happened?  Why are we out here?"

    "The facility is destroyed.  I brought you out because you gave me the information I needed to save my daughter.  I don't owe you any more than that."  I lifted my daughter up from the ground and started to walk away.

    "Is he dead?"

    I stopped and looked back at the soldier with a furrowed brow.

    "If you're alive he must be dead.  Especially since you're covered in that metal."

    "Yes."  I turned and kept walking.

    "Thank you."  The soldier looked down at the ground as I turned back for a moment.

    "You're welcome."

    In the following days I was on the run with my daughter, hiding from any humans we saw, traveling in the night when my skin was less prone to glimmer.  One night, while hiding below the streets in a city I grabbed a scrap of newspaper that drifted by on a river of rain runoff.  The headline read, "MADMAN STOPPED BY BRAVE SOLDIER IN TIME OF WAR," and I assumed it was talking about the soldiers that had run out along with me from the facility.  I read further and, to my surprise, the soldier I saved had been interviewed and told my story.  I was a hero.  Everyone was looking for me, hoping to thank me for overthrowing the rule of a crazed, power hungry dictator.  At first I was skeptical, thinking that perhaps they only wanted me to study the metal coating my body. 

    My daughter and I stayed in the shadows a few days longer until I coughed.  I coughed for several hours straight.  Since my encounter with the metal lake I hadn't been breathing and my heart hadn't been beating.  I hadn't been hungry or thirsty.  I just...was.  But I suddenly started coughing up metal.  The metal on my skin began to flake off as the human's had when I killed him.  I thought I was dying.  I felt myself drifting out of consciousness.

    I awoke to my daughter straddling me, furiously pounding on my chest.  "Mommy?!  MOMMY!!" she shouted as I groaned and sat up.  She tumbled off my chest and ran around me in circles.  "Are you okay?  Are you okay?  Is your heart working again?  Are you my mommy again?"

    I breathed in.  I breathed out.  My stomach grumbled.  "I'm hungry?  I'm hungry!"  My daughter started dancing and laughing.  "I think we can go out in the sunlight now.  Come here.  I want to hug you against my real skin."  I reached out my paws and my daughter rushed to me laughing and smiling.  I just held her for several minutes, listening to her heart beat and mine, her breath and mine, her laughter and my happy sobs.

    We emerged from our hiding place to a world that wanted to meet us.  Humans all over the world knew about what I had done and how I singlehandedly ended the war forever.  I was a hero.  My actions had raised awareness about genetics everyone.  A civil rights movement for genetics as citizens had begun in the wake of the destruction of that research facility.  It was a new world, the world I had always wanted for my daughter.

    And then I woke up to go to the bathroom.

    ------------------------------------------------------

    I fell back asleep after the bathroom break and had another quick dream.

    I, John Shepard, slowly returned to a standing position from the knee I had taken in this sacred place, unsure of whether or not I had heard the previous statement correctly.

    "What...what did you just ask me to do?  ...but this is the throne room of your palace." 

    I looked around at all the beautiful foliage and the curtains falling to frame the throne and the arc of carefully sculpted stairs leading up to it.  The light was dim but vibrant, so the crown princess' face was visible even though I was nearly 10 feet below her.  She sat as still as a statue, staring down at me.

    "I told you to approach the throne and remove your clothing."

    She began to remove her many layered dresses and corsets, letting each one fall softly to the ground.  (Her outfit reminded me of Final Fantasy games.  Lots of zippers and beads and very beautifully designed.)  As I watched her garments slide down the stairs of her giant throne, I shrugged and unzipped my pants.  Tossing off my shirt, I began climbing up toward the beautiful woman in front of me.  She unzipped the last underdress of her lavish outfit, revealing her slender, orange body.  I thought to myself, "How could she be this attractive?  Are Batarian women THAT different than the men in looks?" The inflamed fluid sacks on her neck characteristic of her species proved that she was ready and willing and the feather-like, magenta tendrils attached to her hips reached out toward me as she leaned back against the right arm of her throne.  I straddled her and as the tendrils contacted my bare skin I felt shocks of pleasure rush over my body.  I leaned over her and kissed her exposed neck sacks, the equivalent of a human woman's clitoris, and she screamed in pleasure.  I slowly pushed myself into her welcoming body and was instantly blinded by the intense pleasure given by the neurotoxins excreted by her species' sex organs.

    Unfortunately, our screams and moans of pleasure had received the attention of the palace guards and we were discovered.  Of course, to mate with a human for her species is a kind of sacrilege, so we were immediately taken into the custody of the guards.

    She was stripped of her title as the crown princess and her younger brother took up the role as successor to the throne after a short and one-sided trial.  We were both forcibly ejected from the palace, I with only my casual Cerberus attire and she with only a servant's dress and neck cover.  I stared into her eyes and asked, "Was it worth it?"

    "To give my body to the great John Shepard?  Of course!"

    I woke up feeling like a total BAMF and started the day.

  • I think perhaps I chose the wrong field of research.  Biology is really difficult.  Everything is alive/fragile/temperature sensitive/shock sensitive/light sensitive/etc. so much so that I sometimes wonder how anyone gets anything done at all.  And today was a really terrible day for me in terms of little mistakes.  Now I'm left feeling pathetic and drained.

    First of all I got up at like 8:30 AM (mind you I have been getting up at noon) so that I could have a meeting with my professor.  The meeting went relatively well and afterward I got started on what I had hoped would be my first successful day of research.  I was incorrect.  The day started off with me adding an incorrect enzyme to a particular mixture, thereby ruining its further usefulness.  "Ah well," I thought and continued with the rest of the experiments, hoping that I could at least make sure my incorrect procedure still worked the way it was supposed to even if I couldn't do anything with it in the end.  At this point I started mixing up a batch of gel, only to realize that it wouldn't work for the experiment I was trying to carry out.  I threw my hands up and made a new, correctly mixed batch and pour it into a mold.  Sighing, I carefully pipetted all my samples into the gel and got everything ready, and then turned on the machine that would run the gel for me.  I walked away and started doing something else, but suddenly realized I had placed the gel backwards on the machine!  I rushed back over and found the situation to be salvageable, flipped the gel around and went back to what I was doing.  At this point I ate lunch, confident that when I got back I would have a gel that I could analyze and be proud of.

    When I got back into the lab the gel was almost done and I went to the cabinet to get a container in which to stain it.  Upon discovering that I had made a gel too large for any of the containers that were scattered through the lab, I again threw my hands up and went to the storage room to buy one.  (I wondered to myself, "How does anyone stain these gels?" because people make them all the time.  Maybe there is some hidden trap door full of large containers.  I don't know.)  I stained the gel and went to image it.  Of course, my previous reactions hadn't worked and my gel was utter crap.  I took some pictures and then started to remove the gel from the imager so that I could save it and show the post doc later, but as I picked it up it ripped in half, leaving me standing with a dumbstruck look on my face.  I had specifically remixed it so it wouldn't rip...  At that point I just wanted to cry.

    And now I'm reading a book trying to figure out why everything went so wrong with my reaction.  I'm getting so tired of failing.  I'm not even doing experiments yet!  I'm just practicing this for training!  I can't even succeed at the simple tasks given to me as a training for later!!  :(

    I feel really defeated.  I've got more cells growing to fail with on Monday.


  • What I have purchased, acquired and made for my Anime Central costume thus far includes:
    - denim cargo shorts - purchased for $14
    - black tank (with internal bra construct) - purchased for $6
    - black and red tennis shoes - purchased for $9
    - my husband's belt and socks - acquired for free
    - Zell's ultimate weapon from FF8 "Ergheiz" - made for ~$10

  • Note to self:  When sewing pants, do NOT sew the waistline prior to sewing the pockets or it will take 5 times as long as necessary.  Also, fuck pockets.

    I'm debating whether I should post pictures yet or wait until I have completed both costumes.  I think I'll wait.

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