Who are you, District of Columbia??

Who are you, Missouri??

Why don't you leave me comments???  Why do you torment me will your constant stopping by and then running away when I answer the door???

Why is Ryan in one of my classes?  He sits in the back so I can't stare at him without him noticing.  I thought he was a senior.  Why is he in a class with me?

I feel kinetically drawn to some people, like I need to talk to them because they have important, life-changing information.  That's how I feel about him as well as Jason and Monique.  There's something important there.  I have to figure it out.

It's a really strange feeling, like a compulsion to dig at their deepest secrets, a compulsion to learn as much about them as possible without being inside their minds.  It makes my heart feel tight and my palms sweaty.  I want to be alone with them somewhere secret where no one else could find us and understand what drives them to love, what motivates them to continue existing.

I've assigned them each a color in my mind.  I don't know why.

Jason = Green
Monique = Magenta
Ryan = Tan

Do you ever do that, collect a group of things up in your mind and assign them arbitrary identification through colors or numbers?

Thermodynamics = Frightening = 01
Semiconductors = Easy = 14
Chemical Process Laboratory = Strange = 36
Principles of Chemical Engineering II = Unknown = ??

I collected up what's left of my originally infinite courage and self confidence and typed "Bwah!" to Jason while he was on AIM last night.  I was proud of myself.  He responded and talked for a few moments before declaring that it was almost 1 AM and he had class in the morning.  I was left wondering if I had chased him away or if he actually needed to sleep.  My male (= White) told me not to look too far into it and if he really didn't want to talk to me he would have left me blocked.  I agreed but was not satisfied until this morning at 9:36 AM when I sat down at my computer and Jason's name appeared next to a bright yellow online indicator.  So he hadn't blocked me and did have to be up early.  I worry too much.  I reiterate that I am proud of myself for actually talking to him and then talking about talking to him with my male.

I also talked to Nathan (= Blue) about talking to Jason after he talked about talking to Christina (= Lavender).  Nathan and I share a connection when it comes to crappy relationships because we both went through almost exactly the same situation at exactly the same time.  We console each other.  I trust Nathan.  Christina treated him like dirt and then blamed it on me talking to her about my situation with my male and Jason.  She's a sweet girl, just not when it comes to anything important.  I no longer share with her my secrets.  I do not trust Christina.

Nathan trusts Andrew (= Orange) so by proxy Andrew will hear my tales and this is fine because I also trust Andrew.

I need to quit worrying about my friends thinking my relationship with my male is a poor one.  I'm just projecting my own worry into them, I'm sure.  I don't worry about Paul (= Brown) and Monique's relationship, so why would they worry about mine or even think about it?  I have so many friends and none of them avoid me or tell me I'm an idiot.  Instead they all want to hang out and have fun with both me and my male.  I worry so much about things I have no control over.  At least I realize it, I guess.

I need to get to my next (and last) class for the day.  Then I'm going to the gym and I'm not leaving until I'm completely exhausted.  I want to feel beautiful again.  My male confided in me, saying he felt like his skin fit wrong and that he was completely out of shape.  He is coming with me.  We are meeting Paul and Monique.  I like when Monique works out because she doesn't wear a bra, just a shirt with a built in bra so you can see her nipples when they stiffen.  I think if both I and my male get back into shape, we will both feel better and we will both be more interested in sexytime, and that will be good in all respects.

I'm off!

So I have a play date with Jason tomorrow.  No, not the Jason.  It's this other guy named Jason who comes in to my workplace all the time.  I play a miniatures game called Warmachine and he plays it's sister game Hordes.  We are both in a league for the game and he is becoming irritated that he hasn't played either me or my male, so I said I would play him after work.

Every time I see him I think about the Jason.  Sometimes while he's in the store I focus my mind on him and wish really hard that he would just transform into the Jason I want to see instead of the Jason I'm completely neutral on.

Then I think about what I would do if Jason did actually appear one day.  Would I crumple into a ball and cry until I couldn't cry anymore?  Would I smile, insult him and proceed as I would normally around one of my friends?  Would I leap into the air and tackle him, ripping clothing as I fell onto him?  What would I do?

I think the second one is the answer.  I was sitting around on my computer with AIM running but set to away hoping he would log on.  He wasn't doing it so I instead decided to read our AIM history.  We had one really long conversation right before all hell broke loose.  It was really about nothing.  We were both complaining about things in our lives and confiding in each other as friends who would listen.  Then I ruined it.  I liked Jason so much better before I told him I wanted to be with him, I mean besides the just kidding kind of stuff that I would say previous to that.  I liked him better when he trusted me as a friend.  I'd rather have that than this obsession with him now.  I'd rather just talk to him like I would any other person.  I'd rather not feel this strange feeling every time I hear his name or see it on AIM or WoW.  I'd rather not feel this weird longing to just talk to him and hope every day that his name will be in my phone as a missed call.

And yet, I almost enjoy this frustrated pain in my heart.  Am I a masochist?  Perhaps.

In other news I'm very disappointed by Moonlight Lady.  Too much plot and too much rape.  Rape is alright in moderation if the girl/guy eventually decides that she/he likes it, but if the whole damn thing is rape, especially with grizzly old men I am no longer interested.  That's $18 wasted.  Unless you like lots of chatter, confusion and rape in a hentai, I suggest steering clear.  If you do, then buy Moonlight Lady, because it completely covers all those bases.

My dissatisfaction with Moonlight Lady even reminds me of Jason because I'm dissatisfied with our current state of affairs.

What a fun little game I play with myself!  It entertains me while everything else in my life is calm and without any kind of substantial problems.

Tomorrow would be the first day of classes if it wasn't a holiday.  I'm pretty much going insane.  I've done a complete 180 in my views on college.  Last semester I came away with a 3.146.  To allow you to understand why this is important, it dropped my GPA to a 3.848.  I'd never gotten a B in my life and now I've got a C+ on my transcript.  It really shook my confidence until I realized that I had been associating A's with my best.  Now that I'm a junior...my best just may not be quite enough.  The chemical engineering course load may just be too much for me and I may not be quite as intelligent as I had always assumed.  However, it's a bit uplifting to realize that just because I got a C+ doesn't mean I didn't do my best.  I tried so hard, worked two jobs, studied all the time and still got those grades, so I think I'm not doing too bad.

Still, I'm extremely afraid of this coming semester.  I am taking the minimum of 12 credit hours.  I will only have one job instead of two.  I really hope I can do a bit better than last semester.  I just keep telling myself that all I have to do is get through this thing with minimal wounds and then I can bandage myself and heal over summer in preparation for my last year in this Godforsaken major.

If I wrote a book about my life I keep thinking how bipolar it would sound, constantly oscillating back and forth between joy and sorrow over tiny simple things.  However, writing like that dampens those oscillations, slowly returning everything to equilibrium.  It helps put my thoughts in perspective and allows me to really analyze myself in a proactive way.

I had no idea I would feel this much better letting everything spill back onto xanga.

Oh, and by the way I'm engaged.  I purposed to him back in September some time.  I wanted to take him to our favorite restaurant but it was closed at the time, so we went to Steak 'n Shake instead.  Not too classy, I know, but with just as much meaning for us.

Thought I would cover other loose ends that I didn't finish in other entries.

Ryan (that young man I was stalking at the coffee shop) is boring and out of the picture.  If he happened to call me tomorrow and ask me to come over, get drunk and have sex with him I would consider it, fantasize about it and then tell him no.

He's a pompous ass and is full of boring things.  I now recall how I tried to seduce him and wonder what made me do it.  I normally can't stand pompous asses.  It must have been the low self esteem then that dropped my standards.

And anyway, he has too many blackheads on his nose for me to ever kiss him.  His lips are amazing, though not as amazing as my male's.  I'm sure they would be fine for kissing, but those blackheads...yeah, they ruin it.

There is a bath tub I wish I had taken a bath in, however.  I regret not at least kissing him that day that we watched Outlaw Star.  I could feel the tension and I knew that was what he wanted and I wanted it, too, but I was too afraid.  If he called and asked me to come over and finish watching Outlaw Star with him I would consider it, fantasize about it and try to decide if I could do it without acting on the tension I feel whenever I see him.

Other than that, anyone else that I might have mentioned I am completely neutral on.  Everything else I might have mentioned I am over or almost over after therapy sessions at the student health center.

That should get us updated to the present date.

Jason logged onto WoW tonight and I suggested that we ask him to run us through a dungeon, secretly hoping he would talk to us about his life.  I'm so curious about him.  It's kind of like someone quit smoking cold turkey and then people kept wandering by her shaking cigarettes in her face.  Just about the time I was going to ask him he logged off, like he knew what was about to happen and wanted to avoid it.  Such a strange feeling, it's really hard to describe.

I think I need to find something new to do during sex to spice it up.  I like dressing him up like a girl and I think tying him up would be great.  I need to buy him some kitty ears.

I haven't seen Jason in so long that it's hard to remember what he looks like, so I have trouble fantasizing about him nowadays.  I haven't had a dream about him in a really long time.  I miss those dreams, especially the ones where he raped my male over and over as he tried to push away and whimpered quietly, finally succumbing to the pleasure and letting Jason go even deeper.  *sigh*  Those were the days. 

Perhaps they would come back if I could get but a glimpse of Jason, just a momentary glance would be nice.  I often hope that he will be walking down the street as I'm driving to work and he catches me in the corner of his eye and looks my way just in time for me to zoom off, leaving him wondering if it was really me.  I like to pretend that he pines away for my male and I, wishing he could go back and do things differently just like I do.  I like to pretend that he thinks about me every day, wishing that I was his and he was mine.  Oh that bastard, I want to ravage him and then video tape him ravaging my male.  Unfortunately, he will never be walking by, being that he is in Michigan and I am not.

God, I talk about him like he's an actor and I'm a fangirl.  Well, maybe I am.  I'm Jason's fangirl and knowing that I will never have him or see him in person makes him all the more enjoyable to think about.

Still, my male is sitting in his computer chair and not a moment ago I wandered over and got behind him after looking at loads of yaoi and slowly started kissing his neck even though we had sex just a half an hour ago.  He made this delicate, submissive noise that he hadn't made in, oh, I don't know...months and I realized again why I went back to him after it was all over.  He lets me treat him like a slave and I like that, I like it a lot.  I know other guys would probably let me, too, even more than I think would, but why go searching.  I have the most beautiful male I've ever seen right here in my apartment.  I'm only obsessed with Jason because he's a challenge, not because I actually care about him in any real capacity.  The only person I care about, I mean really care about is my male.

No one else has ever proven themselves worthy of true care and love, no one but the tiny delicate flower full of stalwart loyalty that is my male.

If you are a hot Asian girl looking at this site, I am very in the mood to perhaps take you out to dinner, buy you jewelry and make out with you while watching hentai.  Be prepared to have sex with both me and my male at some point.  Also be prepared to be forced into the lifestyle of a nerd.  Post a comment and perhaps we can get in touch.

It's not all sadness and regret in my life.  I just had to stop my entry at the good part because my male and I were off to eat at one of our favorite restaurants.

Anyway, like I was saying, a place that makes me feel a lot better is where I work.  It's a hobby shop here that sells collectible card games, miniature games, roleplaying games and board games.  Let me just say that it is the most insanely wonderful place I have ever worked and it makes me so happy!  I love going to work because I know I will have a good time.  I think the reason I like it so much is because it has nothing to do with what started back in December of 2006.  Everyone I know there has only seen my male and I happy and joyful and in a healthy relationship.  Everyone I know there likes me and respects me as a free-thinking female.  No one has that negative connotation in my memory as someone involved with that horrible situation over a year ago.  I enjoy each moment I spend there and I enjoy everyone, despite all their quirks and uber-nerdiness.  It's a great place to be right now.

Another great place to be right now for me is my little apartment.  My male and I have moved our beds into the same room (because they are far too small to sleep together in) and every time I look at them I think they are so cute!  We have a tiny kitchen and I make us Thai food all the time.  He's learned to make a few things, too, and loves helping me in the kitchen.  I paint my miniatures in the room that used to be my bedroom and we play World of Warcraft in the living room so we can watch television at the same time (and we have two televisions, one mine and one his, stacked on top of each other).  We have a shelf covered in our consoles and people always comment on how we have two PS2's and two Nintendos for no reason.  The reason is because we both had one!  Duh!  It's our first "home" and I love it.

And some good news, last night I had a dream about Dr. House in which I actually got aroused.  Now that probably sounds completely stupid and pointless, but I haven't had a dream like that since back in 2006.  I also had a dream about having sex with my male.  Again, hasn't happened since 2006.  I credit it to getting back to posting on xanga.

Some slightly bad news, I logged onto AIM this morning and almost talked to Jason.  Thankfully my male got up just in time to cause me to close all my windows and jump up to hug him, but my fingers were on the keys and my brow was sweating for a couple of seconds.  It was a weak moment, but at the same time I think it might be better if I started talking to Jason again.  The more things I can get back to the way they were, the better for me, or at least that's my theory.

Things have changed a lot in the past few months.  I want to say that I'm happy again, but it wouldn't be the whole truth.  I'm back together with the young man I used to call "my male" in entries long ago, but for me things are often bittersweet.  I'll explain:

I think about Jason a lot and wonder what he's doing and what he's thinking and if he would pick the phone up if I called him and if he would still talk to me on AIM, but I don't follow any of it up.  He's not for me and I'm not for him and it has caused me so much pain that I wonder sometimes if my heart will ever wake back up.  While my male and I are playing World of Warcraft, Jason will log in sometimes and this horrible feeling will sweep over me.  In a few seconds everything that happened flashes through my mind because it all started one Thursday while I was playing World of Warcraft all alone.  I hate myself for it and I can't seem to forgive myself and move on.  It makes me so sad and I feel so alone all the time.  Why did I do it?  Why!?  I just want to scream!!

I wish everything could go back to the way it was, where Jason was a good friend and I could talk to him about things and I didn't feel horrible when he entered my mind.  I wish I could fantasize about him and my male again like I used to, but to tell the truth I don't really feel much of anything sexual anymore.  It's like something inside me flipped a switch and I can no longer feel sexy or think other things are sexy.  During sex I'm more just going through the motions and doing what I know I should do and what I should enjoy, but really I'm not all that interested.  I'd rather just do something else and I'm not really sure why.

Another terrible part of the whole deal is that I've become extremely self conscious around people I got to know or talked to about things while all the relationship turmoil was going on.  Jason especially makes me hurt inside because I know he used to respect me as a human being and now he just disregards me as another useless female.  It really hurts.  Several of my friends I feel the same way about.  I feel like they used to respect me and admire my relationship with my male...but now they just see us as another two people blundering through life pretending to care so they aren't alone.  I just want to cry.  I am crying in fact.

The only place I can go to forget about everything is my new workplace.