May 26, 2010

• I feel so alone.  I'm trapped between two conflicting and irresolvable viewpoints, and while I am aware of a possible solution that would leave both of the viewpoints relatively unscathed and keep them out of conflict...said solution leaves one viewpoint unanswered, my own viewpoint.

  Viewpoint #1:  It is too dangerous to have sex with someone who is having sex with anyone else other than us, regardless of if she gets tested for STDs.  Contracting AIDS would ruin both our lives and destroy our ability to produce viable offspring.  Either that person must become single, or we must not have sex with that person.

  Viewpoint #2:  The person I am with makes me happy when I am with him and focuses all his attention on me.  I feel like a better person around him, even if he isn't interested in marriage or any kind of perceived commitment.  I have no intention of breaking up with him.  Also, he got tested a while back and was clean, and hasn't had sex with anyone but me since then, nor have I had sex with anyone but him.
  
  Possible Solution:  Give up on a sexual relationship and forcibly place ourselves in the "friend-zone".
  
  As one can see from reading the viewpoints, both are 100% valid and neither can be dismissed as less valuable in comparison to the other.  And as I said, there is no way to resolve them through discussion.  Instead, the viewpoints must simply be removed from a situation where they can conflict, i.e. removed from a sexual relationship with one another.

  My Viewpoint:  I care deeply about the thoughts and feelings of both people involved.  Knowing the way I feel about my own partner, I could never ask anyone to break a real connection between themselves and another person for my own personal gain.  However, because I view the purpose of my life to be reproduction, I also can not allow myself to take unnecessary sexual risks.  I would accept a negative test as proof enough that sex would be safe, and the use of condoms would be extra reassurance.

  I suppose I never should have become so attached after finding out about her boyfriend.  While I have no problem with a boyfriend, I should have used my husband's thoughts on the matter instead of my own to make decisions because his desires are more stringent than mine.  Instead, I let myself ignore the problem I knew her boyfriend would eventually pose and walk around with my head in the clouds, imagining a life where my husband and I and our female life partner would be living together happily with our children (both her's and mine) and a hypoallergenic cat in a big house somewhere on the west coast.  I'm a dreamer.  I've always been a dreamer, and now it's ripping my heart apart.  The big house is burning down and I feel helpless to stop it. 

  I don't want to find someone else.  I want her.  I feel so alone.
  

  • 4:14 pm
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