June 16, 2011
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It's so stereotypical to get back into the mood to blog when you are feeling down. I'm so stereotypical. Funny that a friend just posted a xanga entry on facebook in which he proposed to a girl. Spoilers: she said yes! If only that's what this entry was going to be about...
Sometimes I shake myself mentally out of these kinds of funks and remind myself that my life is by no means hard or sad. Sometimes I can remember all the good things I have and decorate my daydreams with them so vibrantly that I don't even remember why I was sad in the first place.
Sometimes I can't. This is one of those times. The last post I made was over half a year ago and since then a lot has happened. I don't really know where to start, so I won't. The bottom line is I made another mistake. I talked about the last one I made, being too trusting and all, and this time I will admit the mistake was much less pronounced...but I still made it.
Desperation. That's all I can call it. A feeling in the pit of my stomach so intense that it can't be ignored. Instead of approaching relationships with the frivolous glee that most people do, I attack them like a frenzied animal who has been cornered in the back of a cave. Dating Mike was no different. I don't let things happen, I MAKE them happen. I make them happen because I have to. I can't wait for someone to come to me because no one ever will. My relationship desires are too complicated, too abstract, for someone to simply fall into my lap. It's all well and good for the movies, but for me, it has never happened.
Because of that, when I do identify someone as a possibility I tend to be...too lenient, shall we say. I let things slide because of how rare it is to find someone, anyone, who fits the requirements Mike and I have. And that's good, to an extent. One has to be flexible in a relationship, but to a point. Upon discovering what I would call "fatal relationship flaws" I don't give up. I let them slide and keep going, hoping that ignoring the problems will make them go away and return me to the excited joy that comes with falling in love. Lucky for me Mike didn't have any fatal relationship flaws, thus the marriage and all that jazz.
However, we all remember (and by "we" I mean me because I don't think anyone really reads this anymore) what happened in some earlier entries. That relationship had so many red flags and fatal flaws that looking back I just want to go back in time and snap myself out of it. I did learn a lot about myself in the process, but it seems I didn't learn enough.
I did it again. I broke up with our most recent girlfriend yesterday. I'm feeling pretty down about it. There is a silver lining, though. Instead of letting it go on for months, I broke it off a few weeks after realizing the relationship had too many fatal flaws. I'm getting better. Maybe next time I'll be able to recognize the red flags right away and talk about them as soon as they come up instead of letting them fester, even for a few weeks.
Maybe next time there won't be any fatal flaws.
Maybe.
So, in summary, if I seem a bit down it's just because we're girlfriendless again. But this time, the anger, the bitterness, and the deep depression were all circumvented by the timing. It's better. I can say confidently that I will have no trouble hanging out with her in the future. She didn't lie to me. She didn't cheat on me. She didn't lead me on with her emotional vacancy. She just wasn't quite the right fit, but not because she did anything wrong. And it's better. It means I'm getting better at identifying possibilities and abandoning the fatally flawed. It's better. It's better. I'm better.
My, but what a terrible blogger I am. I still haven't told you anything about the girl I got the phone number from, as she isn't the girl I'm talking about here. What an interesting tale I've deprived you of. I'll have to fix that soon.
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