October 14, 2010
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I was looking back through some of my past entries and marveling at what I thought was worth writing down, but no matter how inane the content, it was still nice to read. I'll do my best (and forget the rest) to write a comprehensive account of how my life is currently progressing, not necessarily for you, but for me. I want to be able to look back in a few years and have many, many pages of text to read, not just a collection of extremely short entries with varying degrees of coherency.
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I'll start with the most recent news and then move on to the more general. Yesterday I went with an undergraduate student from my research group to an open gym with several members of his Tricking club. I'm not so good at Tricking in general, and can barely do a cartwheel. So, when he asked me if I wanted to try a back handspring, I should have said absolutely not. Instead, I tried one and destroyed my back and right knee. Right now, I'm sitting in the computer lab waiting until 10 PM to pick colonies for tomorrow's fluorescence measurements with a giant IcyHot pad on my back and my leg up on a chair.
It pisses me off because I got overconfident what with P90X and I should have instead been able to recognize my limits. Plus I was gonna go swimming with some friends on Saturday morning, and I'm in no shape to swim laps now... At most, I'll be able to pathetically lounge in the jacuzzi. *sigh*
At least I finished the first drafts of all three of my NSF essays just before I started this entry. That's good news for today at least.
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Moving on, for the past few weeks I've been uncharacteristically unsure of myself. I haven't been getting as much done as I am normally capable of and it really bothers me. I find myself sleeping for ten hours a night instead of my normal seven or eight, and I can't shake the feeling of sleep even after I've been up and about for a while. It's almost as if sleep is following me, even when my eyes are open. And I've been having nightmares, horrible nightmares, about loved ones dying or abandoning me such that I feel so helplessly alone when I wake up that I can hardly keep from sobbing each morning. It's like when you dream about having a fight with someone, and when you wake up you are kind of mad at them even though in actuality they haven't done anything at all. Picture that, only the whole day you feel as though all the people who matter to you have suddenly dropped off the face of the earth and there was nothing you could do about it. That's how I feel.
Consequently, I've been going into work later and later each day, taking longer and longer to find the motivation to actually do anything. When I get home it's no better. The feelings of grief and terror wear off extremely slowly, and even though I'm sleeping more hours I think the sleep is inherently worse because of the content. So by the time I'm back at my apartment at the end of the day, I'm in such an awful state of groggy disarray that I'm not particularly pleasant. My husband and I haven't been getting along as well as we usually do and I blame it 100% on my own crappy mood. But he's a tender soul, and he puts up with me as best he can just like he always has. It's just that now it's quite a bit harder for him I think.
And I don't know what to do about it all! A couple weeks ago it was all sunshine and fairy dust. My husband and I were doing a fantastic job with P90X and I hit my weight goal of 115 lbs. Our relationship with Rose was going swimmingly. I had just started making real progress in my research. I discovered that an budgeting error on my part resulted in me thinking we had $300 less each month than we actually had. It was like everything that I had always hoped for was finally coming together for me.
And now this. I'm sure it will pass, but it's most certainly affecting my life in a very negative way. For the past few days I haven't done any work in the lab, only grading and writing my NSF essays, probably because it requires much less thinking to sit in front of a computer than to design experiments. Additionally, I've skipped so many days of P90X recently. I've gained back about four pounds and it's so frustrating because I was doing so well. And, while she gave us a second chance that I thank her for silently each night before I go to bed, Rose broke up with us for a weekend, probably due in part to the terrible moods my husband and I have been in because of my nightmares.
I just want it to pass, but it's been so long now that I'm worried. I don't know what's causing them. It could be dozens of things, most of which I don't have any control over, so I assume I'll just have to suffer through until my mind goes into self preservation mode and turns off all the nightmares. I hope that's sooner rather than later.
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On a lighter note, friends are amazing. And some of the friends I've made recently make me wonder why the hell I wasn't born a year later. It seems like basically the whole "new" first year class is made up of people I get along with unprecedentedly well.
One of them is this awesome kid who I will call PJ for short. It's kind of like we are the same person. In fact, I introduced him to OkCupid because I had a hunch he was interested in Rose (because if we're the same person of course we would want to date the same person) and he did the little questions thing and the site said we were 94% matched. I laughed so hard. The intarwebs knows all! He's just really fun to hang out with and chat with, and that's not really true for a lot of the people in my year. I mean, they are wonderful people, but I couldn't see myself just hanging out with any particular one of them all alone. However, I could totally see myself frolicking around with PJ for a whole day and not having any awkward silences or weird situations come up. He's just really cool.
Along with PJ, there are the members of what I will call his "crew". They are all fantastic in their own ways, and we sit around watching Tim and Eric Awesome Show in the computer lab near my office like we've know each other for years. I love it! And it seems like every time I'm getting lonely and sad because my husband is at home and my Rose is busy working, they show up and cheer me up with their antics. It's funny how life doesn't always give you lemons.
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Lately my parents have really been worrying me. My mother seems really depressed and for some reason it never seems like she can take solace in my father the same way I can with my husband. She has this martyr complex that filters through everything and really brings out the bad stuff in her mind I think. She's one of those "if it's not one thing it's another" kind of people. Right now the thing is the stress of owning and operating apartments in addition to a hotel in a less than optimal economic climate. Other times it's my father's family mooching off of them. No matter what it is, I always think to myself, "This could be solved if you guys just sold everything and retired." And I've told her this. I've told them both that I am worried about them and I want them to stop working and retire soon, but the answer is always the same: that they don't have enough money to do that.
On one particular day when my mother was sounding exceedingly depressed about everything I told her that she doesn't have to worry and that when I graduate and get a job as a professor, they can come with me and I will help them out with money if they need it. That way, they can move away from all the stress and the family issues and hide with me somewhere in the northernmost part of the country where they can fish and hunt and enjoy their lives. But I knew from her response that it wasn't really the money that was keeping them from retiring. She told me that it wouldn't be a good business decision to do that. I think, deep down, my parents just crave success. Even if they had all the money in the world, they would never stop working because they would always want more. I just...can't understand that way of thinking at all, and it worries me that much more that there may never be an end to the stress in my parents' lives right now.
I love them so much. I just want them to be as happy as possible. I don't know what I can really do, but if there was something I would do it in a second.
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I feel like I should better explain the whole breaking up with Rose situation for several of my readers who have expressed concern. So, here's what happened. One night Rose wasn't interested in hanging out with us, and despite being with her almost every night for a week I was left craving her presence. Instead of doing what a normal person would do and keep my mind off it with some other activity, I decided it was the perfect time to compose a huge letter detailing my feelings for her and asking her all kinds of really serious questions about a relationship that was barely out of the gate. Here is a copy and paste of the letter:
Every time I’m with you I get distracted by goofy things like internet videos or cooking or fanciful chatter. While those things are fun and I enjoy them immensely, I feel like I haven’t told you so many really important things. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you about them. It’s just that I’m forgetful, have poor timing, and can never seem to find the right way to say something. That’s why I’m getting this all down in writing so that I have no more excuse for my lack of communication ability.
And when I say lack of communication ability, I mean my sudden and ridiculous loss of courage whenever I’m around you. I’ve never seen this side of myself before. I mean, every time I see you I get butterflies in my stomach. I think I’ve told you this, but sometimes I deliberate for several minutes before actually sending you a gchat message or before stopping by your office. After years of being an extremely forward person with little to no restraint, you are the only person that gives me pause because I care so much about you. Even with Mike I didn’t have this much trouble articulating myself.
I think it’s just the amazingly miraculous quality of the situation. I feel like it can’t possibly be real and that one morning I’ll wake up and everything will be back to normal, or I’m imagining everything or something. I mean, I went from thinking you were straight (and thus impossible to date) to kissing you! Perhaps it’s just taking me more time than I expected to acclimate, or perhaps I’m restraining myself too much around you.
And let me tell you, I constantly have to restrain myself. I won’t lie, I made you the TARDIS mostly because you are amazing and you deserve amazing gifts, but also a little bit so that I could feel as though I had an excuse to ask you for a kiss. And when you laid down beside me on your bed I wanted to pull you closer and make out with you. And pretty much every time I’m with you I just want to hold you and kiss you gently, especially now that I know how soft your lips are. Mike, too, but he’s even more nervous and shy than I am around you.
However, neither of us knows how you feel, primarily because we never ask, but also because you’ve never really say. And I don’t fault you for that. We haven’t been too clear about it either. But it leaves me wondering about a lot of things. Do you want me to touch you in public? Can we hold hands while we walk around outside? Can I hug you in front of other people? Would making out with me or Mike make you uncomfortable? Are you embarrassed to tell others about the situation? Do you consider me your girlfriend? Do you consider Mike your boyfriend? If you do, can I call you my girlfriend in front of others? Are you still thinking about dating other people, like Nick?
For me and Mike, we want as much as you are willing to give us. We want you. We’re only interested in dating you. Until you tell us you aren’t interested, you have everything that we are. You have the nerdy parts, the silly parts, the sexy parts, and the serious parts. You have movie dates and quiet dinners at home. You have relaxing on the couch and frolicking along a hiking trail. You have two people who will always be there to listen and to support you if you need it. While that may or may not be exciting to you, it’s certainly genuine and we’re offering it to you.
If I’m honest with myself, I’ve fallen in love with you. I’ve almost said “I love you” so many times as I was leaving your place and always stifled the urge as something you probably didn’t want to hear. And unlike with every other person we have ever met, Mike is constantly asking about you and wanting to hang out with you. Like I said, you have us. You’ve had us for quite some time. We just want to know what you want to do with us.
And you may ask yourself “Why me?” and I don’t know if I’ve ever really told you. I’ll try to be concise and add both Mike’s and my reasoning in a list:
1. You are kind and upbeat, even when you are tired. It’s difficult to be too upset around you because you look at me with a tender expression and try to cheer me up. What’s more is that it never seems forced. I guess what I’m saying is that I trust your kindness, if that makes any sense.
2. You are a great listener and really easy to talk to. I have no trouble telling you all my most embarrassing stories and Mike seems to actually initiate conversation with you, which for him is unheard of! I feel like I could tell you anything and it’s very comforting.
3. Our interests overlap quite a bit. It’s rare to find a female who plays (or is even willing to play) video games. Beyond that there is cooking and working out and Doctor Who and many other enjoyable things. If we didn’t have so much in common there would be no way Mike and I could talk to you for hours on end and not run out of things to say.
4. The way you carry yourself is very appealing. You seem intrigued rather than confused, sure of yourself but not in an egotistical way, elegant but approachable. I guess it’s a little hard to explain. I admire you for your strength of personality, if that makes any sense.
5. You have a lovely voice. Sometimes when I’m feeling crappy on a particular day I just imagine you singing and it cheers me up. I want to ask you to sing sometimes, but I feel like everyone does that and it must get annoying over time. What I’m saying is if you ever get the urge to sing around me don’t hesitate to act on it, but I’ll never pester you to do it.
6. You are absolutely gorgeous. The angles of your face, your smile, your eyes, your lips, your hair, your body shape, everything is so nice. I love the way you wrinkle your nose when you smile really big and Mike enjoys how you’re just the right height for comfy hugs.
7. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, even though I’ve known plenty of other people way longer than I’ve known you, I feel like you are the best female friend I’ve ever had. I’ve never really been able to truly open up to another female before. There is something unique about you and I can’t put my finger on it. It reminds me of when I met Mike, like every time I was around him everything else went black and white and he was the only colorful thing. You’re simply wonderful in every way.
Okay, so that wasn’t particularly concise, but I think it was all necessary. I should have told you all this much earlier, but as I said I become rather cowardly when I’m around you. I think if you let me (and of course Mike) know what is and isn’t okay based on those questions above, we’ll both be a lot less nervous and a lot more relaxed around you.
Ah, if feels good to get all that out there.
<3 Katie
And while that was probably a little much, instead of freaking out and telling me we had to break it off, she took it really well and asked to talk about everything the following evening. Now, the point where things went sour came when she provided answers to some of our questions. Everything was absolutely fantastic with her answers, except for this: she wasn't attracted to my husband, which utterly crushed his heart in 2.2 seconds. That night we all decided that it would be okay if she and I kept dating, but left my husband out of the picture, and she left on amiable terms. Call it my desperate attempt to keep a crumbling house of cards together.
Of course, as soon as she left my husband voiced his concern that he wouldn't be able to handle it and that he would become jealous of me spending time with her. I commiserated, saying that I would feel guilty for a situation like that and wouldn't really be able to continue. I knew I had to talk to her again about everything. I also knew that when we had started the whole thing, she had said she wasn't attracted to either of us, but she had developed feelings for me, so I felt as though there might be a chance for the same to happen with my husband.
The next day I asked her for another chat and she obliged in the afternoon while my husband was still asleep. We both talked about our concerns and I think I just didn't assert myself enough that I wanted to be with her, no matter what. She ended up making some very intelligent points about the pros and cons of the relationship as a whole, and the chat resolved with her breaking up with me, giving me one last hug, and leaving me sobbing in the basement of the student union.
A normal person would have cried for a while, dried the eyes, and moved on. I, on the other hand, called her in tears asking her desperately to reconsider (something I know is stupid and pathetic, but I just couldn't bring myself to just throw in the towel on the most wonderful girl I had ever met). My husband and I were about to go home for the weekend, so she suggested we all just think about everything over the trip and reconvene on Monday. I agreed and spent another hour or so crying into my husband's chest.
Over the trip my husband and I talked exhaustively about how we felt, what we wanted, concerns she raised, etc. We settled on taking a step back and perhaps holding off on the super serious stuff for a while, maybe go back to a more casual relationship rather than the one I lined out in my letter to her. And I think the time away from her did us a lot of good, because we both realized how used to having her in our lives we had gotten and how determined we were not to lose her. She's no ordinary girl, and neither of us has ever felt so strongly about a prospective third.
Monday came and we all met up to chat at our apartment. I think we were all really nervous about what the others would say because we spent several minutes just talking about random stuff before we got down to business. She explained that she had missed us both over the weekend and didn't want at least spending time with us to end. We presented our idea to back off a bit on the serious bits and she (to our great and wondrous surprise) accepted. After she left that night I cried again, but for the absolute opposite reason.
So that's what happened. I hope that clears everything up for those of you who have been asking.
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And that's about it. In summary, I want to say that despite all the ups and downs I mention, my life is really wonderful. This is just a highlighting of some of the juicier bits. I'm actually really happy and I have everything I need, a perfect husband, my Rose, a loving family, great friends, enough money, and I'm making progress in my research. So, what I'm saying is don't worry about me! <3
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