October 18, 2010
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I've looked up a lot of pornography lately. I suppose it fell out of fashion with me around junior year of college and I limited myself to downloading a few yaoi manga here and there. Now I can't seem to help myself. I'm constantly thinking about sex and I considered blaming it on Rose, and while she might be part of it I think it might also be the increase in testosterone production from being quite a bit more muscular than I ever have been. Maybe it's overpowering the lack of a sex drive I've had because of birth control over the past few years.
It's sort of pathetic though. I had gotten kind of used to being a slightly less sexual being than I was back in high school. Being inordinately horny is kind of frustrating sometimes, especially when I can't immediately have sex with anyone. My husband isn't the most sexual creature and I haven't even made out with Rose yet...
Speaking of which, it's getting really hard to control myself around her. I mean, when I'm not around her I'm thinking about her and when I am around her I just want to rip off my clothing, but I can tell from the way she and my husband interact that neither of them is really ready to be physically intimate with the other. They haven't even kissed yet, and my husband is so shy that he can barely bring himself to put his arm around her without freaking out. I think he's a little gun-shy after being sort of rejected a bit ago. So, I'm holding back from showing Rose how much I really need her until we're all on the same page. I suppose that may be never, but I accept that as a possibility. I'd rather have her in my life forever than get to spend a night with her only to have it all fall apart because she and my husband couldn't do the same.
That being said, I want to mention a conversation that we had with her about living together. I think I was talking about wishing our apartment was bigger or something like that, and she brought up how she would be quite willing to get an apartment with us. Of course, I had already considered the idea thousands of times, how wonderful it would be, but to hear the words gently tumble from her mouth filled me with joy and amazement. Admittedly, she suggested that she would probably just stay with her current roommate unless a series of rather unlikely events were to come about, but the fact that she was also obviously thinking about it made me so happy. If she was living with us next year...wow...I would definitely have to contemplate what fantastical thing I did to deserve such karma. She's just so wonderful. I want her and my husband with me as much as possible. I...I love her.
I should tell her, but I think all that will come with patience, if at all. It's like that song, you can't hurry love. However, it's also like that other song, if I can't have her, than I don't want anyone else, so I'm totally will to wait. <3
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